


rise of the moon, fall of the sun

by darthkouhai



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Torture, Violence, add more tags as story progresses, also totally disregarding the plot of the manga starting from before anteiku is raided, and sort of jealous of the anteiku fam for taking kaneki, be careful manga spoilers, but kaneki misses his bestie alot, ghoul!Hide, in which hide is hurting and secretly really hurt when kaneki drifts away from him, it sounds shitty but i swear its not, nothing too graphic but its there if you oay attention, on hiatus until further notice lol, there will be slight mentions of noncon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5667574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthkouhai/pseuds/darthkouhai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki knows there isn't going to be a happy ending. After all he's been through, Kaneki doesn't believe in happy endings, but he's content at the moment. He may not be the same, but there's a part of him that is happy about that. He's not weak anymore and he has a group of people who are loyal to him. He has, more-or-less, a make-shift family of ghouls brought together by chaos and pain. </p><p>But where did Hide fit into that? </p><p>Kaneki hadn't seen Hide in months, staying away to protect him. But what really was he protecting Hide from? Whatever it was, Kaneki knew he failed when he saw his best friend's Missing Persons poster plastered somewhere in the 20th ward. It's been 5 months since then, and Hide was nowhere to be found. Kaneki didn't want to give up, but the odds of Hide being missing for this long, in a ward full of dangerous ghouls, didn't give much hope. He started to think Hide would never turn up.</p><p>Until he did.</p><p>And with him, came a surprise that Kaneki wasn't the slightest bit ready for. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prelude

**Author's Note:**

> my first tokyo ghoul fanfiction and its angst. haha. it's gonna get sad in the later chapters and hide is a precious flower who just wanted kaneki to be safe and happy  
> 

When Kaneki thought of happy endings, he thought of those fairy-tale stories, finding your true love and living a perfect happily ever after. He didn't believe in happy endings, not anymore. Happy endings were for people who _didn't_ eat other people to surprise.

Happy endings weren't for monsters.

As much as Kaneki wished with all his heart that it wasn't true, that this was all one big nightmare he could wake up from, where he could tell his best friend all about the weird things his imagination conjures up - he knows it could never be like that. In any world, he wasn't allowed a happy ending.

All because of that one woman, _Rize_. The ghoul who tried to eat him alive, whose organs lay in his body now. It's because of him getting involved with her that his life changed like it did. Honestly, if he thinks back far enough, Hide was sort of at fault too. Hide was the one who pushed Kaneki to talk to her when he knew he wouldn't, but Kaneki would never blame Hide for any of this. It's not like he knew.

He wouldn't take it back either. Kaneki would rather it had been him than Hide who Rize got to- knowing the woman had initially had her sights set on his best friend made Kaneki's insides boil hotly.

So when he left, when he hadn't contacted Hide in who-knows-how-long, Kaneki thought he'd be safe. Now that Kaneki was shoved into the violent world of a ghoul, Hide was no longer safe beside him. Kaneki _needed_ to push him away, he _needed_ to make sure Hide would be safe.

And if it wasn't by Kaneki's side, so be it.

Only, he hadn't taken in the fact that Hide could still be attacked. The recent ghoul attacks were getting more common and more random, so the chances that Hide could have been caught by a ghoul -especially with his curious personality- were pretty high. He refused to think about that alternative, but somehow, somewhere in his mind, Kaneki knew it was true.

Hide was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. No matter how hard he looked, no matter how hard he tried, Kaneki couldn't find him anywhere.

His heart hurt; yearning for the presence of the most constant person in his life, but that wish could never be granted. After all, happy endings aren't for _monsters_.

Kaneki stopped walking, his one ghoul eye glaring at the bright moon ahead. The mask on his face held a cool familiarity, fitting tight and comfortable around his head. His mind was absent as he stared at the moon. All he could think about was Hide and the crippling feeling of loneliness and yearning he'd tried so hard to push down.

Was this how Hide felt when Kaneki left all those months ago? Did Hide's chest constrict in worry when Kaneki wouldn't answer his messages or even go to school? Did Hide yearn for the presence of his best friend the same way Kaneki did?

Was this the same type of anxious sadness Hide felt when Kaneki disappeared without a trace?

Everything in Kaneki wanted the answer to be no, but, he really had no idea how Hide would have felt. Kaneki knew that as much as Hide could read his emotions like a book, Kaneki would have to decipher Hide like a rubix-cube. He hid his sadness behind a mask of smiles, so bright that Kaneki's mood would lift at the mere sight.

But behind those smiles Kaneki knew something else lurked. Something dark that he knew Hide would never tell him about. He knew for awhile, he thinks, he knew for awhile that there was something wrong with Hide. That, behind those smiles and lame jokes, there was a hurt lodged deep in Hide's heart.

Kaneki wanted desperately to know what it was, but he'd always let it go because Hide wouldn't drop his guard long enough. So he filed those thoughts away until Hide was ready, but he never was, and Kaneki eventually forgot about it.

He hates himself for that, Kaneki does. Hide had done so much for him, he would instantly notice whenever something was wrong with Kaneki - whether it was something as trivial as stepping on a bug, or as bad as a death in the family. Hide was there through it all, lending a shoulder and a smile, telling him it would be okay. But did Kaneki ever return the favour to Hide?

There was never a reason, was what the ghoul wished to think.

The problem with that, was that there _was_. Kaneki was willing to push away his suspicions because he knew it would make Hide uncomfortable but, _maybe that was the wrong decision?_ Maybe if he'd called Hide out on it every time Kaneki noticed, then Hide would be safe at home and okay? Maybe if he took better notice in his best friend instead of investing all his time into his books, then maybe Kaneki wouldn't feel like it was _his_ fault that Hide was gone.

Because if Kaneki was the moon ( _cold, dark, lonely_ ), then Hide was the sun ( _warm, bright, deadly_ ).

Kaneki's fingers squeezed into a fist at the thought of Hide. _Hide._ _Hideyoshi Nagahchika, his long-time best friend._ He hadn't seen Hide in so long, maybe a year? The days are jumbled to Kaneki now, but he knows it's an awfully long time.

Hide's been reported missing for five of those months, but who knows how long it had been before someone reported the blond missing? Hide could have been gone weeks before that, maybe months.

Either way, ever since the first time Kaneki stumbled upon Hide's _missing persons_ poster, his heart had been feeling painfully clenched and Hide had never left the subconscious thoughts of his mind, either. It hurt to think about Hide. It hurt to think about what pain Hide could have possibly gone through.

It hurt not knowing whether he was dead or alive.

Kaneki wished he hadn't pushed Hide away, hadn't hid from him in fear of bringing him into danger. He doesn't know how Hide would have reacted to his mysteriously abrupt disappearance, but if there was one thing he knew for sure; Hide would never have given up on him. He would have spent days, maybe even months, looking for any clues to find his best friend's whereabouts.

Kaneki wished he had Hide's perseverance, his too-strong will; but he didn't. He was just Kaneki Ken, fucked up, artificial-ghoul Kaneki Ken.

His stomach was lurching uncomfortably, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. _Something was near_. His eyes brought back into focus, his mind pushing away the saddening thoughts of his best friend. He needed to be alert, especially when he was out. There was no time for vulnerabilities.

There was no time for weakness.

He stood tall on the building, his black clothing a silhouette against the dark of the night, his white hair illuminated by the moon. He adjusted his mask quickly, sniffing at the air. He caught the sour, rotting scent of ghoul lingering in the air, the smell of blood - whether it was a ghoul's or a human's, Kaneki couldn't tell.

The only thing running through his mind now was instinct. They were on his land, _his territory._ Whoever they are, this ghoul was unwanted and needed to be dealt with.

He leaped off the rooftop gracefully, landing on the ground without a sound. The smell of blood and ghoul was stronger now, mixed in with the familiarly sweet human scent. Kaneki cocked his head, his red iris glaringly bright in the darkness; _someone was hunting on his territory?_ Oh no, that wouldn't do.

This smell, this _ghoul,_ was unfamiliar and Kaneki would rather die than let a potential threat get close to his "family". So he bucked up and followed his nose, stalking quietly down the alleyways.

As he got closer, the smell intensified and Kaneki was struck with a weird sense of nostalgia. _What was this?_ Why was he feeling like this, he should be focusing on the enemy. But that _was_ the problem. The enemy; their scent was strong and confusingly nostalgic and so disgustingly wrong yet so beautifully right.

Kaneki's jaw clenched, his fists following.

He reached the alleyway where the scent wafted from. It blew through the wind, catching easily into Kaneki's reach. He rounded into the dark between the buildings, arm raised to strike and rid him of the potential threat.

But the strike never came.

Kaneki's hands fell limply at his sides and his fists un-clenched. His eye, previously narrowed into a nasty glare, widened considerably. His heart beat quickly in his chest, his stomach knotting up. Kaneki felt his throat dry and seize, the silence of the night ringing in the air.

All of the fight left his body at the sight. _Was this real?_

Or was this all another nightmare that haunts Kaneki's slumber.

Whatever it was, there was no mistaking the view; Hide was slumped against the wall of the building, bleeding heavily and wheezing raspy coughs. The scariest part?

Hide's eyes were black and red.


	2. 5 months before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place 7 months before the prelude  
> (Also totsuke is an Oc relevant to the storyline, and i hate hiM)

 

It’s been months since Hide had seen his best friend. Kaneki had seemingly disappeared from his life just like that. He knew Kaneki had been getting his emails and was ignoring them. It hurt, knowing the one person he loved the most was ignoring him, but Hide brushed the feeling away. If this was what Kaneki wanted, then Hide wouldn’t complain.

After all, there’s nobody Hide cares about more than Kaneki Ken.

He’s not blind either, Hide. He knows what’s been going on; what with the ghoul attacks and the _doves_ closing in on the 20 th ward more each day, Hide would be an idiot if he _didn’t_ notice. He knew right when he saw the busty, purple haired woman on that fateful day, that someone was completely and utterly _wrong_. If only he’d listened, if only he had told Kaneki what he was feeling instead of burying it inside and setting his best friend up for a date.

But would Kaneki still be here?

Hide didn’t know for sure, but some part of his mind – the deep, dark part he always tried his hardest to hide from the world- told him that yes, _Kaneki would leave him behind someday_.

That was the reason it hurt him as much as it did whenever he’d watched Kaneki get along with his new “family” at Anteiku. After Kaneki got attacked, after he started wearing the eye patch, he _changed._ Hide didn’t mind it, but couldn’t deny the weird feeling growing in his stomach at the thought of Kaneki finally growing out of his shell and making other friends. The kid deserved people to care about him, for god’s sake!

That didn’t mean Hide felt good about watching Kaneki slowly start to spend all his time with them. He’d go to Anteiku to visit Kaneki, to _check out Touka-chan_ \- he wished he hadn’t. Hide wished he would have stopped himself from going back and watching as Kaneki’s attention didn’t waver to him after the first few visits. He wished he didn’t keep going back because of how worried he was about Kaneki.

Again, Hide isn’t _dumb_. His perception is much better than most people’s, and he’s got a nose like a dog’s. Hide knew Kaneki would never be the same after Rize’s attack. He knew that Kaneki wasn’t the same _person_. After finding his best friend with a surprise eye patch ( _“Stylin’ it up?” he’d joked, grinning wildly)_ and suddenly a new job (coincidentally, at the place Hide had woken up in after Nishiki’s attack), Hide knew there was something _completely foreign_ about Kaneki.

It didn’t take him long to figure some of it out, but he kept his mouth shut. If Kaneki figured out that Hide knew, there’s no telling how he’d act. Hide didn’t want to lose his best friend, he didn’t want their already straining relationship to be severed by the new information; so he pretended he didn’t know anything. He acted normal around Nishiki, treating his senpai the same as before even though everything in Hide’s body told him to run. The same instinct he felt as soon as he stepped through the doors of Anteiku.

Oddly enough, he never had that feeling around Kaneki.

Hide knew why that was; he trusted Kaneki with his whole being

No, that isn’t quite true is it? While it is true that Kaneki is the person Hide trusts the most (“ _Kaneki, you can trust me!”),_ the one person Hide knew would always be there for him ( _“Kaneki, you’re my best friend, you know that?”),_ it’s also true that Kaneki isn’t as close to his heart as everyone thinks. Hide may know Kaneki like the back of his hand, but it wasn’t reversed.

Kaneki was never good at social tells, he could never really tell the atmosphere changing or the feelings of another if they even _try_ to hide them. Kaneki was a simple person, really, his emotions splayed on his face like the pages of his favourite books; Hide could read them over and over and over again, and he’d still be amazed by the content.

It’s sad that Kaneki wasn’t as good at reading his best friend as he was at reading his books. Not that Hide made it easy for him, of course. He never wanted his friend to know just how bad he felt—about everything. Hide was afraid of letting Kaneki into his heart that he simply, hid away from him. Threw those bad emotions as far into the recedes of his mind as he could. Hide made sure that Kaneki never caught him with a frown, just to be sure. And if Kaneki every saw anything, he never called Hide out on it. Somehow, Hide didn’t know whether to feel thankful or hurt.

One things for sure, he didn’t want to scare Kaneki away with his own fucked up mind.

Hide tried his hardest to cast it away, to bury it so deep no one would ever find it. It seemed to work, no one suspected a thing—until he was left alone with his thoughts. Sunshine boy Hideyoshi Nagachicka, the boy with a permanent smile, that’s who he was to other people. An over excitable, reckless yet intuitive fool. No one suspected that under that smile lay thousands of dark shadows.

 

And Hide was doing to good lately, too. Finally at college with Kaneki, free to spend as much time with Kaneki as he could and listening to Kaneki read and watching as Kaneki’s lips move slightly with every word on the page and how Kaneki would look up at him with his big, grey eyes—

 

Hide’s breath hitched where he sat, curled against the arm of his couch. Kaneki was his rock, whether the boy knew it or not. Kaneki was the reason Hide had gotten this far, his sole reason to provide Kaneki with companionship and protection. Kaneki was his best friend, but did he feel the same?

Hide could feel his heart beating in his chest as thoughts ( _dark. dangerous_ ) raced through his head.

_No. Kaneki hates you. Kaneki found someone better. Kaneki found Anteiku. Kaneki wants nothing to do with you. You got Kaneki in this mess, you don’t deserve him._

The thoughts raced through his conscious mind—no amount of distractions could ever get rid of the phantom shadows dragging him down.

 

_Kaneki hates you._

 

_It’s all your fault._

 

_You fucked up._

 

_You_

 

_Ruined_

 

_Everything._

 

His lip quivered, flashes of images passing through his lips. Him forcing Kaneki to go on a date with Rize. Him pulling Kaneki to Anteiku. Him watching Kaneki get beaten by Nishiki. Him being the reason Kaneki was a ghoul.

 

_It hurts._

 

He could remember that faint moment after Nishiki had been defeated; Kaneki was slouched over Hide’s body. He could faintly feel the wetness of Kaneki’s drool and thought absently, _is he going to eat me_? Hide didn’t even bat an eyelash, he got Kaneki in this mess. He deserves to be eaten.

It was his fault Kaneki and he drifted apart, too. He was the reason Kaneki found a new home in Anteiku, away from Hide, away from the person previously considered “home”.

Hide could feel the tears running down his face, tasting the salty liquid as it rolled over his lips. He collapsed against the cushions of the couch, his fists curling up as Hide fought back the familiar feeling of hate. Not for Kaneki, never. He couldn’t bring himself to hate anyone from Anteiku either.

He hated himself. He always hated himself.

Everything about him was _wrong_. _Why couldn’t he be more like Kaneki? Why did he feel like this? Why was he so messed up?_

All of Hide’s questions went unanswered in the dark, lonely silence of his small apartment. No one would be helping him, no one would care. Hide didn’t mind that, he didn’t deserve their care. He deserved exactly this; to rot away by himself, stewing in his own self-inflicted trauma and mistakes.

It’s his fault.

 _I’m sorry, Kaneki._ Hide’s tears wouldn’t stop, his silent cries turning into loud wails, his face pressed into the fabric of the couch. _I’m sorry for everything Kaneki, I’m sorry._

 

The next morning, Hide woke up to a migraine and a stiff neck. He lay still where he was, arms hanging off the edge of the couch lifelessly and eyes rimmed red. His chest hurt, his head hurt. There was nothing he could do, though, was there?

He had things to do today. He was still looking for Kaneki, traveling the 20th ward day after day to find any clues towards the whereabouts of his best friend. He didn’t find much, but over time his pin-board filled with newspaper articles and coloured string. In the middle of his board was a poster with Kaneki’s face on it. A _Ghoul Wanted_ poster.

Hide always mused how familiarly gentle Kaneki looked in it; soft and innocent, a smile on his face and his white eye-patch covering one of his gentle grey eyes. He was wearing his Anteiku uniform.

Hide’s eyes squeezed shut at the thought of Anteiku. The only place he hadn’t looked. Hide didn’t think he had enough courage to go back in there. But today, today was different. He finally plucked the courage to force himself to the coffee shop.

He needed to make sure Kaneki was safe, who cares about Hide’s petty feelings.

His trek to Anteiku would have to wait. Hide was still curled on the couch, the dead feeling in his limbs not going away. He knew he couldn’t lay there for much longer (no matter how much he wanted to), his bladder was killing him and his eyes were stinging. So all of Hide’s remaining strength pushed him upright and onto his feet, making unsteady steps to his bathroom.

The cold air of his apartment was uncomfortable against his bare chest, but Hide couldn’t care less at the moment. He still felt numb all over. His bathroom break was quick, ending up with his head shoved under the sink and cold water pouring over his head in order to take him up. His eyes still stung, but Hide could deal with that.

The air was warm outside, blazing hot under the shining sun. It was a significant heat difference compared to Hide's unusually cold apartment. Hide squinted up at the sun blankly, staring at the star with burning eyes. He didn't understand how people could compare him to the sun, when they were two completely different beings. Behind his smile, Hide was cold and dark, in body and mind. His hands were frozen cold, like they always have been since birth.

Kaneki would always comment on the coldness of his skin.

_Kaneki_ , Hide thought, still sending glances at the sun as he walked down the barren sidewalks,  _Kaneki was the sun._ Kaneki was  _his_ sun, the one to brighten his days and make life worth living. Kaneki was the sun ( _warm, bright, beautiful)_ and Hide... well, Hide was the moon ( _shadowed, cold, barren)._ Hide would always compare Kaneki to the stars, the way his eyes lit up at the prospect of a new book, whenever his face brightened while he spoke to Hide... 

Without Kaneki there, Hide felt like an astronaut in a universe bar of stars. It was dark and cold and Hide felt so so lost. Hide felt like nothing with Kaneki gone.

Thinking back, Hide knew feeling like this was unhealthy, but he couldn't help but cling to the only thing he has -had- confidence in. Now that it was gone, there was a space in Hide's chest that made him feel emptier than usual. 

He shook his head, ridding himself of the intrusive thoughts.  _Now's not the time,_ he chided himself, stuffing his hands in his pants pockets with an uncharacteristic scowl. He had somewhere to go, there wasn't time for him to board the pity-train. Instead, he started to focus on the city around him, eyes wandering around the open areas.

People had started to file out into the open, piling on the sidewalks. He sees a lot of people he vaguely recognizes, who he's seen during his multiple outings. Some are walking dogs, holding hands, carrying children. He scans over faces of random people, but sees no one of relevance ( _ie; Kaneki_ ). He takes in the trees outlining the sidewalks, the shops scattered around the pathways. He takes in the lessening amount of people as he takes the trail to Anteiku, until there's but only a few littering the street in front of the shop. It's early, before noon on a weekend, so no wonder. 

Hide takes his time reaching the shop, feeling his gut tighten. How badly he wanted to bolt away from the shop that stole Kaneki from right under his nose. But he didn't, for Kaneki's sake. He was here to find out if they knew anything about his disappearance, anyway, so he owed it to Kaneki to not be rude to his friends.

_Hah. Friends._ The word brought a sour taste to his mouth. It wasn't common that Hide got jealous, because Kaneki could have all the friends he wants, but this seemed like a special case. These people had something in common with Kaneki that was more valuable than anything Hide did. 

That type of thought led Hide to thinking that maybe Kaneki's hanging around in Anteiku. Maybe he's there and this was all a huge misunderstanding? Maybe he's there and he'll finally tell Hide to leave him alone for good? In either case, Hide would see Kaneki and that would be enough.

Kaneki's happiness came before his own.

With a soft, weary sigh, Hide stared up at the letters above the coffee shop;  _A N T E I K U._ This was it; if Kaneki wasn't here, Hide didn't know where to look. 

He cautiously pushed open the doors, the smell of strong coffee flowing through his nose. He'd always liked the coffee at Anteiku, there was always a quality, home-like taste to every cup. The atmosphere of the shop was also very welcoming, even though Hide's instincts made him want to steer clear. All in all, there was really nothing terrible about Anteiku ( _except for the fact that it was run by ghouls, but that could hardly be defined as terrible for how nice they are),_ it was small, quaint, and beautiful.

Hide's eyes immediately found solace on a body standing at the counter, dressed the Anteiku female uniform. He made a B-line towards her, sliding into the bar stool in front of her station. “Hey, Touka-chan,” Hide smiled brightly, eyes trailing from the cup in her hands to the look of surprise crossing her features. Not that he could blame her, Hide never came back after Kaneki disappeared. 

“Hello...” Touka eyed him with her only visible eye, the other being covered by a veil of purple-black hair. “What would you like?”

Hide let out a hum, tapping his chin.  _What_ did _he want?_ “Well,” he started lowly, tucking his head closer to her, “I was wondering if you've heard from Kaneki?”

Touka's face dropped it's mask of indifference briefly, her eye widening before quickly collecting herself. She cleared her throat quietly, looking somewhat uncomfortable as she spoke. “No, I.... I'm sorry, Kaneki hasn't... contacted us yet.”

Touka's jaw locked when she noticed Hide's face fall, disappointment lighting up his eyes before he covered it up with a grin. Even though there was a smile on his face, Touka could easily see the pain he hid behind his smile. She was always good at reading people (well, when her hotheadedness didn't get in the way of that). Hide laughed, his eyes closing as he did, “Ah, thanks anyway, Touka-chan. I'm sure Kaneki's doing okay anyway.”

She couldn’t help but notice the way his hand started to twitch on the table. “Are  _you_ doing alright, Nagachika?” Touka couldn't stop the question from slipping from her lips absently, feeling uncharacteristically unsettled.

“Hm?” Hide tilted his head, eyes still closed. She noticed the way his smile seemed to strain, before pulling into a bright grin, “Of course, Touka-chan.”

She couldn't help but notice his hands come up and cover his chin unconsciously.  _That's a lie._ Her fists tightened on the glass; Hide and Kaneki were more alike than they thought.  _It's a lie._ She knew that, but it wasn't in her place to call him out on it—they barely knew each other, Touka had no right to pry. But she knew it had something to do with Kaneki.

“Anyway, Touka-chan, thanks again. Mind if I get some coffee before I leave?” He was looking anywhere _but_ her, eyes fixed on the board above her head. Touka nodded her head when Hide shot off his order; black coffee. He's never ordered a black coffee any of the times he'd come to Anteiku, always getting the same thing: coffee, one cream, three sugar. Always sweet.

_Maybe he's having a chance of taste?_

Touka didn't know why she was so invested as to  _why_ Hide was doing the things he was, why he was acting weird (well, as far as Touka knew). Maybe it's because he's so close to Kaneki? That could be it; whenever Hide was troubled Kaneki always used to be troubled too. Whatever it was, Touka brushed it off. She didn't need to worry about human troubles right now.

She returned with Hide's coffee, handing it to him in a portable cup. It was hot in his cold hands, bringing warmth to the frozen appendages. He thanked her with a small smile, pushing himself out of the coffeehouse as quickly-yet-inconspicuous as he could. He didn't want to be rude and make her think she was the reason. 

Hide quite liked Touka, she was beautiful and very nice to him, and really, he had nothing against her. It made him feel all the more guilty about his petty jealous feelings. He sipped his coffee, disappointed. Touka had no leads on Kaneki, well, as far as she told him. He could tell she was hiding something, with the way she stiffened and how her hands had stalled on wiping the glass. She knew where Kaneki was.

Hide knew that she knew, but he'd never pry it out of her. Wherever Kaneki was, he obviously didn't want Hide to know. As much as that hurt, tore a hole through Hide's chest because he was  _so close_ yet still  _so far. Oh lord_ did it hurt. As Hide sipped his coffee he felt his eyes start to water; the bitter taste of the bare coffee beans unpleasant on his tongue but it woke him up. 

He needed to wake up. 

Being awake was his solace. When he was awake, it was easier to hide away from the intrusive thoughts, easier to  _pretend_ . He spends his nights immersed in video games or tracking down clues to Kaneki and the Ghouls around the 20 th ward. During the day he went to school and did his work around the CCG, previously a 'staff assistant' then promoted to an 'investigator assistant'.

Hide knew all about the ghouls, all about the dreaded  _Aogiri_ . He knew what the CCG did, and as much as he feels it's  _wrong_ , Hide still worked as best as he could. In return, he heard rumours and secret conversations and things he knows he shouldn't know—and he adds them to his pin board. By now, Hide knows that his knowledge of the “Ghoul World” and the “Doves” is more extensive than normal. He blames it on his curious, sentimental brain.

He's just as curious about ghouls as he is worried about Kaneki. Ever since Hide was a child, the thought of ghouls was exciting. Thrilling.

God, how he lived for the thrill. It was the only thing keeping him from going insane. 

That, and the fact that he still had hope for Kaneki. Now though, after hearing from Touka, that hope seemed to diminish. She knew where Kaneki was and was guilty about not telling Hide. That meant that Kaneki was back, that he was safe (or, at least, somewhat safe). That meant Kaneki didn't want to see Hide.

He wasn't going to tell Hide he was back, was he?

Hide wished that wasn't the case, he wished that Kaneki was just waiting for the right time, but he knew deep down, that that wasn't the case at all. He knew Kaneki would stay away. He downed the rest of his coffee, uncaring of the way that the hot coffee burning his throat as it went down. Anything to distract him from the pain in his chest, from the clenching of his stomach.

_Why was he so pathetic?_ Hide's conscience shouted at him, screaming it over and over.  _Pathetic!_

_It's all your fault!_

_Look what you did, you drove Kaneki away for good!_

_P A T H E T I C_

 

Hide stuttered in his steps, shaking his head with wide eyes. The empty coffee cup was crushed between his fist and his chest was starting to heave. _No. Stop it._ Hide staggered down the pathway to his apartment, thanking whatever God there was that the path was empty. He didn't think he could live through the embarrassment of someone catching him like this.

His apartment building came into view; the small, stone-like building only holding three levels with 12 apartments, but it was enough. He was so close. _Almost there._ Hide could make it, he could get home, cry and let out his bottled up emotions, and continue living on with a smile. He could do it. It's only a few steps away before he could finally--

“Hideyoshi Nagachika-kun...?”

Hide froze in his tracks, his heart skipping a beat in fright. The voice spoke again, “You are Hideyoshi Nagachika-kun, correct?”

Slowly, completely contrasting with the thumping of his heart, Hide turned on his heel and faced the new individual. His eyes ran across a tall man in a white coat, the _CCG_ logo sewn onto the pocket. His hair was as black as night and slicked back and his eyes were coal; the white coat was clashing with his dark skin. The look on his face was disarming for Hide—completely innocent, eyes half-lidded but still wide. Fear spiked through his stomach; something was _wrong_. “Y-Yeah... What do you need?”

The man laughed at the suspicious tone in Hide's voice, trotting closer with a less-than-threatening wave of his hand, “My name is Totsuke Sari, I'm a scientist currently employed with the CCG. I need your help.”

The smile on his face unnerved Hide, who bit his lip and threw up his free hand, “S-Sorry, I'm not an investigator, just an assistant. I'm afraid I can't be much he--”

“First Class Investigator Amon has requested your presence _immediately_.” Totsuke's eyes still had their warmth, but in them was an intensity that terrified Hide.

_Amon requested him_ ? Surely that must be a mistake, right, but if it wasn't a mistake then not going would end up in him getting his ass chewed out when he went to work next. He could possibly lose his assistant work at the CCG, and any new leads to what was happening in the 20 th ward. Hide's eyebrows furrowed, “Amon-san... requested  _Me?”_

  
“Yes,” Totsuke nodded his head, his hands hidden in the pockets of his white coat. “He said it was urgent and that your  _talent_ was needed.”

_His talent?_ Hide wondered what that was. He didn't have a talent. “Ah,” he nodded after a while.  _His intuition_ , the reason he knew what to tell the CCG. “Alright... Does he really need me...  _Now?”_ Hide didn't want to go, he still wanted to cry and his heart was still beating in his chest. He  _especially_ didn't want to go anywhere with Totsuke.

He really didn't have a choice though, did he?

"Yes _now_." Totsuke seemed to roll his eyes at Hide, motioning forward with his left hand, "Let's go, Amon-kun get's snippy when he waits too long!" 

Hide eyed him cautiously but followed him nonetheless. He knew something was off about this situation, and he wished, months later, that he listened to the tight feeling in his gut and the voice in his head telling him to _get away._ He knew from the moment he looked into Totsuke's cold, fish-like eyes, that something was utterly, completely, terribly off. Whether he was an enemy or just one of the more suspicious individuals of the CCG, Hide didn't know.

He blamed it on the heartbreak he felt at the moment, his impaired judgement. He should have seen this coming from a mile away, he should have known better than to follow Totsuke. Hide trailed behind Totsuke, following the man down an unrecognizable path. Hide's mind wasn't all there, preoccupied with thoughts of Kaneki, Kaneki, and more Kaneki. He couldn't push these thoughts down enough to make himself fully aware, he wasn't able to decipher the warnings from the sadness. So distracted, with Hide trying to force himself to be as alert as he can while trying to make his unshed-tears go away, he didn't notice Totsuke lead him down a darker alleyway until it was too late.

They were halfway down the alley before Hide's mind registered just how suspicious the situation was. "Totsuke-san," Hide called, stopping his feet even as Totsuke continued to walk, "Where are you taking me?"

"Where?" Totsuke hummed, stopping eight feet away from Hide. The man's body was rigid, a strikingly straight posture. Hide faintly heard a crack as Totsuke turned his head around to look back at him, the smile on his face so deviously terrifying, "Why, I'm taking you to _work!_ "

Hide felt realization hit him like a train, heart hammering against his chest. This was a trap. Totsuke wasn't a part of the CCG - Hide was sure of that. He was looking right into the wide, blood-red irises of a ghoul. He didn't have any time to react, Totsuke's body whirring around and shooting off the ground, launching at Hide with speeds to match a bullet. There was a sudden, hot flash of pain as his body rammed against Hide's own, the feeling of claws digging themselves deeply in his torso. Hide couldn't stop the pained cry he let out, red liquid seeping out of his flesh. Totsuke's laugh was loud and horrifying, his eyes losing the previous warmth, replaced by a cold, sadistic sparkle. His head cocked to the side and his tongue lolled out of his mouth, licking a stripe up the fingers coated in Hide's blood.

Hide's body feel to the ground with a thump, pain shooting down his body. His eyes were wide in horror, his breath leaving his lungs in a painful rasp. He tried to crawl away, to get away from Totsuke, but the man pounced on him again, one of his clawed hands latching around his throat tightly, cutting off his supply of air. Hide gasped, hands flying up to claw at Totsuke's arm, black dots clouding his vision. "S-Sto...p," Hide sputtered, glaring at the ghoul. 

Totsuke's sadistic laugh was all he could hear, ringing in his ears and sure to haunt his nightmares. He could feel Totsuke's breath on his neck, just below the hand on his throat, teeth bared and tongue lolling out. "You know... You smell _delightful_ , I just might _eat you now_." He laughed in Hide's ear, before sinking his teeth into his shoulder and pulling.

Hide screamed- or tried to, at least. No sound came out of his throat. His head felt heavy, his chest felt tight. Everything hurt, pain pulsed frantically down his left shoulder, on his neck, Totsuke's teeth still lodged into the flesh. Hide squirmed, his previous, unshed tears finally falling from his eyes freely. He wanted this to stop, it hurt it _hurt it hurt._ He did scream out loud when Totsuke lifted his hand from Hide's throat and ripped his teeth back at the same time, taking some of his flesh with it. His scream was loud and painful and weary, tearing through his throat like Totsuke tearing through his skin. 

_Was this how he's going to die? Eaten by a ghoul?_ Cruel, ironic fate, isn't it?

Kaneki was the first to pass through his thoughts, bringing more tears. _Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki I'm sorry, Kaneki I'm sorry it's my fault I got you into this._ He thought of his best friend, how he wouldn't even get to say goodbye to his best friend because he was _eaten by a ghoul!_ It was all his damn fault, again, Hide's stupidity and petty problems blinded him from seeing what was right in front of him, and now he's paying the price.

He could feel the blood pooling around his head, hear the lusting breaths of Totsuke above him, slurping up the flesh that he stole between his teeth. He met Hide's eyes, wide and untamed, a wild smirk on his face, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" Hide mustered up all his strength and spat in his face, glaring at him with heat. Totsuke tutted at him in response, reaching his hand up to run through Hide's now-matted and damp hair, "I still need you alive, sadly. You still have use to me-"

"F... Fuck... You..." It was all Hide could choke out between the searing pain and his swimming mind.

His smirk fell and Totsuke's eyes narrowed into slits, the red seeming to glow against the black of his sclera. His hand tightened in Hide's hair, twisting painfully and pulling his head off the ground. He leaned in close, the smell of blood on his breath evident, "You better hope you lose that fight soon, kid. The game's just started!"

Hide's eyes widened in horror, his tears still falling. His heart hammered against his rib cage and the pain he felt worsened as Totsuke pressed his weight fully against him. He gargled around the blood pooling in his throat, staring up at Totsuke with terrified eyes. He barely caught a glimpse of the ghoul's returning smirk before Totsuke's hand smashed his head against the ground. There was only a flash of abrupt pain and the wetness of blood, before Hide felt his eyes start to droop unwillingly.

He thought of everything that led him up to this situation. Why, why, _why did this happen? Why was he being subjected to this?_ Was this punishment for everything he's done wrong? Hide wanted to cry, he wanted to scream and break down and hit something. His mind was all over the place, thoughts of Kaneki resurfacing, memories and feelings and everything in between. He thought of feelings he never wanted to have, he thought of the involuntary emotions Kaneki always brought to him. He thought of the shame he felt every time Kaneki seemed to look at him for too long, as if he could see right through Hide's perfect mask. Kaneki _couldn't_ see through it, never. He was never able to break through Hide's walls even though Hide broke through his quite easily.

The last thing he saw before his eyes were closed, was the blazing brightness of the sun. The _sun._ _Kaneki, Kaneki. Without Kaneki around, who would be the sun?_ As Hide drifted off into a pained unconscious, Kaneki's face flashed through his mind. The memories of the last time he'd seen him; eight months ago, a passing glance. Nothing more, nothing less.

Totsuke's laugh echoed off the building walls, fading out into ringing silence. _I'm sorry, Kaneki._

_Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm yeah shitty chapter but at least it's long eh! Thank you to everyone who commented <3 Be ready for some Hideyoshi pain :3c


	3. Two: 5 Months Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hide im so sorry u sunshine baby you dont deserve this
> 
> also totsuke and kanou u pieces of shit

 

 

 

 

The first things Hide noticed were the pounding headache brewing at the back of his head and the aching sting radiating areas of his body. The second thing: he couldn't move. His eyes blinked open, glaring and unfocused at the black, stone ceiling in his field of vision. His head swam, confusion and fright pulling at him like strings on a marionette. Where was he? What happened?

It hit him like a freight train, the memories. Going to Anteiku and seeing Touka, the reality of Kaneki's disappearance, meeting Totsuke-- Totsuke had tricked him, leading him in his vulnerable state of mind. How easily Hide fell for it, too, was pathetic. He couldn't even defend himself, too weak against the monstrous strength of a ghoul.

Because of that, Hide was here now, wherever here was. He didn't know where he was, he didn't know how much time he passed; all he knew was the smell of his own blood staining his clothes and the sharp pains in his neck, head, and torso. That's right, Hide realized with a hitch in his breath, Totsuke bit me. He was afraid to move his head, to look at the assaulted shoulder. He didn't want to see the damage Totsuke caused, didn't want to see the pieces of him missing.

It would make the situation real. It would force Hide to wake up. He realized, as the graveness of the situation came to realization, that he didn't want to wake up. Oh how he wished this was just one of his fucked up nightmares, from days of losing sleep to research about the ghoul attacks, from watching the news so late into the night.

But it wasn't a dream, now was it? Every story that Hide saw on the news could be a reality to him now, he could be the victim of the latest news print, the newest missing person to report dead.

He forced himself to turn his shoulder, head scraping painfully against the metal table he was strapped against, to look at his bleeding and crusting shoulder. Bile almost rose in his throat at the sight; there was a hole in his shoulder, the bone near-visible against the darkening red of his flesh. The skin was torn disgustingly, teeth marks indented around the outer layer of skin.

_Oh my god_ , Hide's breath pulled again, panic rising in his chest. Why was he here? What the hell happened?

The table below him was freezing, sending spikes of painful cold up and down his body. The room, itself, was freezing, and Hide felt as though he should have been able to see his breath. His toes and fingers were numb, the headache at the base of his skull numbing down from the cold. He wished it would numb his wounds, but if anything, the cold forced him to become more aware of the freezing liquid seeping out from his open wounds.

He wanted to cry, the fear and apprehension he felt for the situation at hand starting to become too much. What was happening? Why was this happening? He wanted to know what Totsuke wanted with him, why he went through all that trouble instead of just eating Hide when he got the chance. Was this just a fucked up method of “playing with his food” before Totsuke finally killed him?

Or did the mysterious ghoul have other plans for Hide?

Whatever it was, he wanted nothing of it. He wished he was home in his small apartment, where he was free to spend his nights watching movies and searching for his lost best friend. Where he was safe and aware.

_But things could never go that way, can they?_ The good times can never last for too long, Hide knows; the fact that he’s known since childhood.

Life is nothing but a tragedy, and tragedies never have happy endings, do they?

Hide’s heart lurched in his chest painfully, lungs constricting against his ribcage. He could still taste the metallic tang of the blood that rose in his throat, feel the dried flakes on the side of his lips. He could smell the disgusting scent of blood and infection that was starting to overtake his shoulder, the wound an ugly maroon. The blood stained his yellow jacket, torn up and ripped in multiple places, the fabric completely gone over his whole left shoulder.

He cringed at the sting of the cold air on his exposed, wounded flesh. It was painful, worse than the pain from the five puncture wounds along his torso. They each bled enough to cause pain, but the five on his chest were pale in comparison to the bite. Totsuke’s teeth were sharp enough and his jaw was detached enough to bite almost to the collar bone, right through the muscle.

Hide could barely struggle in the binds before it felt like something ripped, forcing him to stop. It was hard not to move, when his mind was panicked and his body was moving on adrenaline and instinct ( _leave leave LEAVE_ ), but every time he did, he was reminded of his inevitable fate and the terrorizing face of Totsuke. Hide forced himself to still, struggling to keep down his twitches and involuntary moves.

He was still crying, the tears pouring down his face from the pain and the panic and the emotional anguish from the past few months, from the things he’s hid from Kaneki and everyone else for years and years; all of it piling up on top of him like blocks on a lopsided jenga tower. He was going to fall, and it wouldn’t take much for him to do so.

The door squeaked open while Hide was still lost in his mind, wandering through the maze that was his thoughts, trying to find a way to calm down, to escape, to _LIVE_. He didn’t notice anyone come into the room until something hit him roughly in the face, knocking the air out of his mouth and forcing his body to tense painfully. Hide’s lungs, his chest, constricted at the sight of the face lingering above his, all twisted smiles and delusional eyes.

Totsuke’s grin was sharp and feral, aimed right at Hide. He couldn’t look away from Totsuke’s kakugan, the red irises akin to something from his nightmares. “You ready for Day 1, Nagachika-chan?” His revolting breath, smelling of rancid animal and rotting flesh, rolled over Hide’s face, “It’s your first day of work, con~gra~du~lations~!”

As he said that, Totsuke’s finger, his sharp nail, ran over the side of Hide’s face, splitting skin. Drops of blood flowed onto the finger, leaving a red stain on Hide’s cheek. “Oh?” Totsuke raised his finger to his mouth, tongue licking a stripe up the red stain, “You still taste delightful, Nagachika-chan, you should be proud of yourself. Kanou-chan’s gonna’ be so happy when I’m done with you!”

Hide’s eyes widened in fear, a yell of anguished pain passing his lips as Totsuke’s hand smashed down on his head again, knocking it against the table and cutting off his consciousness. His eyes started to flip shut once again, against his will. He could still hear Totsuke’s eerie laugh ringing in his subconscious mind, haunting him even in his sleep.

When he awoke, he wasn’t on the table anymore. Hide was seated upright, his back pressed tight against the back of a metal chair. It was cold, just like the table, and much more uncomfortable. His head was swimming, thoughts jumbled and unable to process properly. His eyes were blurry when they fluttered open, the bobbing of his head painful and agonizing.

He was somewhere different, was all that he could recognize. There was a metal chair below him, his arms and legs strapped tightly to it so he couldn’t move. The floor was checkered black and white, the walls a black stone. He could faintly make out the shape of grey chains and silver tools hooked onto the wall and shelves around it. His limbs were frozen, the circulation almost-cut off around his wrists and ankles.

The room was cold and the atmosphere was colder. Hide knew he wasn’t going to last, he knew he wasn’t going to make it out here alive. It was only a matter of time before his weak, human body succumbed to his wounds. Even if he does die, Hide knows it’s nobody but his own fault.

_His fault he was here. His fault for going somewhere with a man he knew nothing about. His fault for not telling Kaneki so many important things. His fault for pushing Kaneki to go out with that girl._

_His fault Kaneki was a ghoul._

He deserved whatever was coming for him, right? Deserved to suffer for all the suffering he brought others?

Some part of Hide screamed it at him, the sound reverberating off the walls of his mind. It screamed and screamed and screamed, played with the vulnerability of his guilty conscience. It _knew_. It knew Hide’s most vulnerable thoughts, what made him tick, what made him fall to the depths of his worst. It _knew_ and it used that against him.

No matter how much Hide tried to tell himself otherwise, that it wasn’t his fault; that it was all because of chance and bad luck—there was always that deep, dark place in his subconscious that knew better. That told him just how _worthless_ he really was.

And he believed it.

“You look like you’re having an absolutely swell time, don’t you?”

A new voice, completely different from Totsuke’s own crazed one, smooth and velvety but still just as sinister. Hide couldn’t lift his head enough to look at the newcomer, nor could he focus his eyes for long enough. A cold, gloved hand ripped his head up by his hair, sending a wave of nausea through Hide’s stomach. A man stood in front of him, slicked back blond hair and eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. He wore a white trench coat and a white surgical mask; Hide couldn’t make out anything else, nothing in focus but the man uncomfortably close to his body.

“Hm…’ The man hummed, using the hand tangled in Hide’s bloodied locks to turn his head left and right, as if inspecting him, “This is the right one. Good job, Totsuke-kun.” The man’s eyes narrowed in distaste, locking gazes with Hide’s dizzy one, “I thought I told you to keep away from the head. Any more damage than already done and the experiment may not work.”

The man let go of Hide’s face, letting is head drop back into his chest. “My name is Kanou, it is a pleasure to be working with you, Hideyoshi-kun.”

Hide’s eyes fluttered, nausea dancing around violently in his stomach, “Wh…Why… are you… d… doing this?” His words were slurred, not having the exact effect Hide wanted, but he couldn’t help it.

Kanou raised his eyebrow, coldly gazing down at Hide’s pathetically sick form with heartless interest, “Well, may as well let you in. It’s not as if you’re going anywhere,” the professional-looking man pushed up his glasses before he spoke, “Since my first experiment didn’t go as planned—things took a different change of course than I had anticipated, although the results were still quite good—I decided to test my luck once more. With the right stimulation and the same environment, I’m sure version 4 will be even better than the original and any of its derivatives. I’m sure you know Kaneki-kun; that didn’t quite go as I wanted, and I lost control of him, but I’m positive that with you I’ll succeed greatly.”

Hide’s blood ran cold, his eyes snapping open at the mention of his best friend. His hands, so cold, so numb, clenched in his restraints, the action forcing a sting of pain to shoot up his left arm. “K-Kane…ki…?”

“Ah, yes. Kaneki-kun was indeed special, quite amazing to witness, but sadly he broke out of his cage too easily.” Hide didn’t have any time to retort, before another pair of hands seized him by the back of his neck and pulled his head straight; Totsuke. “But you, my dear, will be ever more impressive than Kaneki-kun; and this time, you won’t get away.”

Hide lost his breath, gasping for air. Something leathery was roped around his neck, pulling it stark against the headrest of the metal chair. He couldn’t move, his head forced to stay up straight at the reclined back angle Totsuke forced, the leather of the strap digging painfully into his neck and cutting off his neck. Totsuke let him struggle, let him sputter and collect the black dots in his vision before he let go slightly, loosening the strap just enough for Hide to be able to breath.

“Since Totsuke-kun’s excessive use of force left you in the state you are, we shall post-pone the project until tomorrow, for now, Hideyoshi-kun; rest.” Kanou turned on his heel, strutting out of the room and taking his cold atmosphere with him.

Hide would have sighed in relief had it not been for the ghoul still poised behind him, hands delicately on Hide’s throat. Totsuke did sigh, wistfully, tracing one of his gloved fingers around the edge of Hide’s bite wound, “If only I could take one. More. Bite. Of well, I’m sure I’ll get another taste soon, yeah.” He walked around the chair, stationing himself in front of Hide and trailing his finger up to the side of his face softly, “I never got a chance to have fun with Kaneki-chan, but I’m sure you’ll make up for that quite nicely~.”

Totsuke pulled back, smirking cruelly at Hide’s disgusted expression and pulling his hands back, “I’ll be looking forward to our time, Hideyoshi-chan!” With a crack of his knuckles, sickeningly loud and sharp, He spun and skipped out the doors, the metal blockades slamming behind him.

Hide released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. His heart was racing and his head, while still spinning dizzily, was able to understand the most important aspect of his “conversation” with Kanou: _the man knows Kaneki._ The man experimented on Kaneki. He wasn’t dumb enough to think that Kanou was going to go easy, or even do the same type of experimentation as he had with Kaneki. No, they made it clear Totsuke was going to be in charge of Hide, and Hide was terrified. Totsuke was merciless, sadistic; he’d take immense pleasure in watching Hide squirm and scream and wail. But, what had Kanou meant when he said “the same environment”?

Had Kaneki been tortured, subjected to isolation down in the crevices of a cold, damp cellar?

He wasn’t an idiot, he knew Kaneki had been tortured, he knew he was taken by Aogiri—that’s why Hide had joined the CCG, so he could find some way to help Kaneki be rescued. Yeah, Hide failed, but at least Anteiku got to him, saved him from the rest of his continuous torture.

Turns out, the device he’d placed on the Aogiri man he tailed, had audio.  It was the man named Jason, “Yamori”, ruthless and sadistic and everything out of Kaneki’s nightmares. He’d heard him, Hide _heard_ Kaneki scream and cry and beg and it tore something in his chest, it pulled at his heart and gave him nightmares but Hide refused to let himself turn it off. If he did, the guilt would eat him up little by little, knowing the pain and suffering his closest person was going through, how Kaneki couldn’t turn it off willingly. Hide knew when Kaneki finally broke, when he lunged at Yamori with snarls and bloodthirsty noises—that was when the signal cut off, stopping any noise.

Hide had nightmares for weeks, months even, of Kaneki getting tortured and Hide not being able to do anything about it. Those nights, he didn’t fall asleep after he awoke; Hide just sat there, staring up at his bedroom ceiling with a heavy heart and crying eyes.

He couldn’t help Kaneki. He couldn’t relieve the pain no matter how hard he’d tried.

Now he knew who had inevitably forced Kaneki into everything, who forced Kaneki to live the life of a ghoul. Kanou. Hide felt something hot surge through his abdomen and his chest; hate. He hated that man, he hated Kanou with everything in his being. That man hurt Kaneki, transplanted things into him that shouldn’t be there, force him to become a human-eating monster. Now Kanou was looking to do the same thing to Hide.

He wouldn’t break, no, Hide promised himself that he wouldn’t break. He owed it to Kaneki, to push down the intrusive and selfish thoughts of “ _kaneki hates me_ ”, because Kaneki—in all his sweet, kind hearted nature—would never want Hide dead. He’d fight back against the one who hurt his best friend so deeply, not give the man what he wanted.

Could he do it, though? Could Hide keep his will strong for as long as this takes? He wished he could say yes, that he was strong enough to overcome anything—but he knew he wasn’t. Hide wasn’t able to handle his destroyed home life or Kaneki’s disappearance, so what makes him think he could handle this? Hide could barely manage to get through most of his days without practically a handful of his prescription pills and a glass of whiskey.

He was weak, so, so weak. Kanou knew that, he knew Hide was pathetic right from the start. No wonder Totsuke tricked him so easily, Hide was a pathetic, naïve fool. So easily distracted, it was so easy for him to become lost in his thoughts and drown out the world around him. It was so easy to numb himself so he didn’t have to feel anything or see anyone for notice anything. So he didn’t have to hurt.

Kanou knew that, and Hide knows he’s going to use that to his advantage.

The silence of the cellar made the ringing in his ears seem loud, like the static of a television screen was buzzing inside of his mind. It made his insides twitch, made his limbs shake. The fear, the anticipation; Hide had never felt anything like this, never, not even during childhood, not even when he lost the person he cared about most. Back then, it was a different kind of fear; where Hide would pretend things could be okay in the end, that there was a possibility for a happy ending for everybody. But that wasn’t true anymore, there wasn’t going to be a happy ending for Hideyoshi Nagachicka.

He was doomed to suffer in despair until he breaks.

Hide didn't know how long it took before the exhaustion that pulled at his brain forced him to sleep. Time blurred as the sound of static and silenced pulsed through his ears, slowly driving him to the brink of his irritation. The simple sound, the sound of nothing, of silence, was enough to drive Hide mad. He hated the silence, it brought up thoughts that he wished he could forget. It made him angry, the thoughts, the silence-- it pissed him off to the highest degree because he couldn't do anything to prevent it. He couldn't protect Kaneki properly, hell, he couldn't even protect himself properly!

That's how he fell asleep, unable to keep his eyes open any longer, plagued by dreams of hazy anger and unpleasant thoughts. His head lolled back straight against the back of the chair, unable to fall forward because of the leather binds holding him still. Even in his sleep, he lay tense, fully aware of the immediate danger even in his forced-unconscious state of sleep.

 

Hide woke with a start, jolting painfully in the chair and unable to move. Panic immediately ran through his mind, where was he, why couldn't he move, why was it so cold, where the fuck is he--

"Ah, Chika-chan," Totsuke's unpleasantly sweet voice cooed from somewhere in the cellar, bringing back memories of the previous day. "I'm glad you're awake now, we'll be starting soon."

Hide cringed at the shortening of his last name, lips curling in disgust. The anger from the previous night pushed itself forward in his mind, his hands curling into fists and his body tensing. When Totsuke strolled in front of him, pulling a silver cart behind him, Hide threw a glare at him. Totsuke raised his eyebrow at the hateful look, smirking in amusement, "Chika-chan, you seem tense? I can help you relieve that tension, if you want."

The man pressed his hand deliberately onto Hide's injured shoulder, fingers digging painfully into the scabbing, dented area. Hide squeaked, a painful noise akin to a cry. "That's only if you're a good boy, though. Gotta have something to look forward to in the meantime, yeah?" Totsuke's breath fanned in Hide's face, that disgustingly lewd smirk leaving Hide feeling like his insides were twisted.

He did the only thing he could think of, overcome by anger and stinging pain. He set his glare straight at Totsuke, locking gazes with him strongly. "Go fuck yourself," he spat, clicking his tongue and spitting in the scientists face once again.

Totsuke's eyes were wide, with an emotion that Hide couldn't read. His eyes swirled into the Kakugan, red irises shrinking as his smirk pulled into a sadistic grin. "Oh Chika-chan, that's why you're here!" He swung his hand up quickly, not giving Hide any time to react before Totsuke's hand made contact with his right cheek, a loud resonating smack echoing around the room.

He cried out loudly; his cheek stung and his neck ached. The force of the hit was enough to force Hide's face to the side, but because of the binds it couldn't move. His nose started to drip, droplets of blood falling down his face and onto his lap. He squeezed his eyes shut, partially because of the dizziness in his head, partially because of the fear he felt for Totsuke's laugh--his every being.

"Look what you made me do," Totsuke cooed against Hide's ear, using his gloved hand to gently trace the injured cheek, "If you be a good boy, that won't happen anymore, got it?"

Hide couldn't do anything but whimper against the pain and the uncomfortable touch of the scientist. His eyes were still squeezed shut, his teeth clamped down on his bottom lip; he refused to cry. He refused to let Totsuke see the moisture in his eyes and let him revel in the fact that Hide was afraid of him.

 

_I won't break._

 

Totsuke returned to Hide, planting himself between the blond's open legs. In his hands was a needle, tube connecting it to the IV drip placed near the back of the metal chair. "Let's start, shall we? This thing here," he motioned to the tube and the needle, "this is what's gonna keep you healthy. After I attach it to ya', you're gonna be wide awake and fully aware."

Hide hissed under his breath at the slight sting of the needle puncturing the skin of his left arm, feeling the cool, sticky press of tape over top of it. "It's only temporary," Totsuke continued, "Until we move onto step two. Until then, you're gonna be stuck with this for most of the day, but don't worry, Chika-chan, you'll get used to it~!"

His eyes snapped open, mouth dropping in a soundless scream. Sharp pain flashed up his left hand, a sickening crack echoing loud. Totsuke's eyes slipped shut, a pleased hum passing his lips at the look of pain evident on his newest subject's face. The fingers in his grasp were bent awkwardly backwards, turned purple at the loss of circulation and dyed red where the bone pierced the skin.

Hide forced himself to hold back his tears, grit his teeth against the pain.

 

_I won't break._

 

"Let's get started."

 

 

_I won't b r e a k._


	4. Three: 4 months before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry hide oh god i neVER MEANT TO PUT YOU THROUGH THIS MUCH PAIN
> 
> (guys also, if you hadn't noticed, I added some new tags okay, so i just realized some of the undertones that were in the previous chapters--like about hide going through sexual abuse and whatnot-- and although i hadn't meant for it to come out like that, i'm not changing that but I am going to warn you now that there may be some mentions of sexual abuse and if you're uncomfortable with that I'll put a warning up on each chapter that includes talk of it okay?)

Hide slouched on the chair under him, his wrists rubbed raw and bloody, both of them worn from days of struggle. His breathing was ragged, pain hitting his chest with every breath he took. His head was hanging low towards his chest, the previous leather straps holding it back were taken off weeks ago, leaving him to move his head freely—too bad he barely had the energy to lift it anymore.

Everything hurt. His chest, his arms, his neck, his face, his  pelvis _._ That bite wound Totsuke gave him—still raw and still open, it was surely infected by now. He knew he’d lost a good amount of weight from the many days of starvation and dehydration and stress and pain. Hide was in so much pain. 

Totsuke made sure to bring him every type of pain; from emotional, to mental, to physical.  _Especially_ physical. Hide noticed, after about a week in, that Totsuke seemed to  _get off_ on inflicting physical pain on people; especially Hide. The man wouldn’t let up, no matter how much he screamed, Totsuke would keep going and going and Hide would be left with too many cuts to count and bruises lining his body.

Those weren’t even the worst days, no, definitely not. The worst days, Hide dreaded them with the very core of his being, were the days Totsuke decided he wanted to have  _fun_ .  _Oh god_ , were those days awful. The worst was the first, by far. Totsuke had unstrapped his ankles, after weeks of disuse and when Hide could barely lift them; he’d wondered why, things like  _maybe he’s letting me go_ or  _maybe I’m getting a break_ came to mind, and nothing could prepare Hide for what happened afterwards. 

In hindsight, Hide felt like he should have seen this coming, should have known earlier by Totsuke’s disgustingly lewd and sadistic behaviour, the way his hands would change from giving Hide seemingly-innocent caresses to painful hits. He  _should have known better,_ and Hide hates  _himself, hates everything_ , because it’s  _his fault_ it happened. He got himself into this mess, he doomed his life.

That was when he broke, after holding out for almost three weeks. He was only human, remember? 

And when Totsuke started to scrape his nails down Hide’s chest, trailing painfully down past his navel, Hide finally started to cry. He couldn’t do anything but scream, but cry and beg and plead,  _let me go let me go you piece of shit stop!!_

If Hide hadn’t cried before, he certainly did then. Hide’s cheeks were stained with blood and tears and his hips were bruised and his whole body hurt, and for the first time during the three weeks he was there, he wished it was enough to kill him. He wished for everything to stop; the silent pact he made with himself, to keep strong for Kaneki, broke like glass, shattering into millions of pieces.

The pain was so different than anything he’d felt before, somehow worse than the infected wound on his shoulder. It hurt him deep in his chest, his mind,  _and_ his body. He ached, for many things; for home, for someone to save him. He ached for his best friend, to be in his presence once again. But Hide knew, deep down in his heart, he would never get that option again.

He broke. He did what Totsuke was trying to get him to do all along; cry, beg,  _accept how pathetic you really are Hide, just be a good boy._

It happen once more after that; it hurt just the same, but this time, Hide had already started to descend before Totsuke even touched him.

The pain lingered for days, as they move onto the second month of him being there. He didn’t get a break, save for the rare days that one of Totsuke’s assistants cleaned him up, somewhat-dressed his wounds, and forced him to eat food that was barely edible. Other than that, there was non-stop pain, whether it be mental or physical, that all depended on Totsuke’s mood.

Like now, as Hide sat slouched in the chair, Totsuke stood over him, admiring his work with a smirk. The knife in his hand was nothing compares to the slander, to the  _lies_ that spewed past Totsuke’s mouth with the sole intention of putting Hide in doubt, in mental anguish.

Things like “ _it’s your fault you’re here, you know?”_ or _“Kaneki-chan wouldn’t care that you’ve been declared missing, after all, when was the last time he_ talked  _to you, huh—how many months have gone by when he hadn’t even thought about you.”_

“ _You know, Chika-chan, you’re really pathetic aren’t you? You couldn’t protect your best friend from himself or anyone else, and look at him now?”_

“ _I’m surprised Kaneki-chan stayed with you as long as he did; given how selfishly worthless you are.”_

The worst one hit him close to home, after hours of hearing the same thing;  _pathetic, worthless._ Totsuke knew where he hurt most, and he definitely used that against him. There was no way he was going to hold back, enjoying the look of terror and disgust etched on the blonde’s face, knowing that hatred turned from being aimed at Totsuke to being aimed at himself.

“ _You know, Chika-chan, if you had just told Kaneki-chan about her, then he wouldn’t be in so much pain. He wouldn’t have to have endured all the suffering he did, he wouldn’t have to think he was a_ monster _. But really, isn’t the real monster_ you? _After all, you selfishly harbor these disgusting feelings for your_ ‘best friend’ _and he doesn’t even know. How many times has he had your prying eyes on him while he was unaware? Either way, you’re disgusting and selfish, you know? Forcing Kaneki-chan into a life of hatred, and not even able to reap what you sew?”_

Totsuke leaned down, breathing in Hide’s ear, “Kaneki hates you, because you ruined his life, Hideyoshi.”

The tears fell freely, dropping down onto his shorts from his bowed head. He groaned in pain when the small knife in Totsuke’s hand embedded itself in his thigh, piercing through the fabric easily. It stung painfully, and when Hide’s leg twitched it moved and the muscle around it tensed up against the knife, ripping as more pressure was added to the blade.

“You should be thanking me, Chika-chan,” Totsuke hummed absentmindedly, “I’m giving you retribution so you don’t go to hell for the sins you’ve committed, to make up for everything Kaneki-chan did _because of you_. It’s only fair, yeah?” His tongue trailed up Hide’s ear.

The blond didn’t answer him, throat seized up from fright and dehydration. He couldn’t force himself to make words, unable to protest as Totsuke trailed his lips down Hide’s neck softly. The ghoul briefly looked at the infected wound on Hide before sighing, drawing his lips up to Hide’s own, “It’s almost time, Chika-chan, for step two. I think yer gonna like it, I know  _I will_ .”

Hide head thumped against the metal of the chair’s back, long bangs falling in his face. His hair had grown some, his brown roots starting to become more prominent; it wasn’t too long, just long enough for him to gather the top part of his hair into a pony tail if he so wished—but it was enough for Totsuke to grab and pull at his every wish. He’s lost some of his body mass too, weight dropping almost evidently. The muscle on his arms and legs were going soft and shrinking at the constant disuse, his ribs starting to show on his already lanky form. He was never very big to begin with, and the extreme conditions he’d been  _provided_ with only made it worse.

He had a fever too, has had it since week two. Hide knows it’s from the infection, his body using most of its energy trying to fight the bacteria entering his open wound. He’s getting sick, he knows it. He started to give a cough around week four, one that rattled his chest and constricted his lungs painfully- there was blood in them too, sometimes. Totsuke noted his body temperature a few times, teasing him, saying  _at least you aren’t cold anymore, yeah?_ Even though he was wrong, so wrong. Hide was cold, colder than ever with the ever-growing feeling of loneliness and fear and dread, yet at the same time he was hot, so uncomfortably hot with anger and pain and fever.

His dreams were angry, terrifying clouds of distorted memories, brought upon by the fever. 

His eyes snapped up at the feeling of a cold wetness on his forehead, heart jumping in his chest. He stared straight at Totsuke, mouth pulled into a grimace at the man’s actions. He held a cold rag, soaked with water and dripping over Hide’s mostly-naked form. “Shh, Chika-chan,” he cooed mockingly, “I'm just tryn'a cool you down, you're uncomfortably warm. Just be a  _good boy_ and let me do this, yeah?”

Hide’s eyes narrowed into a suspicious glare, Totsuke was never this soft without ulterior motives—he always left things like this to his assistants.  _What is he doing,_ Hide took a deep, raspy breath, his mind starting to work.  _He said “step two” was going to start soon…_ His mind, for all that it was cracked, wasn’t completely broken yet. He still had conscious thought (when he retreated from the numbed parts of his mind, however). His heart, his hope, may have shattered, but his brain was still intact, as if going on by instinct; to stay alert, to deduct and protect himself from being vulnerable.

It never lasted for long, however. The emotional strain could only hold for so long. As much as Hide wanted to be free, to escape, there was a larger part of him—the bad part, the one who always told him how bad he was, how  _pathetic—_ that wanted to die, that let Totsuke do whatever he wanted in exchange for not feeling his “ _punishment.”_ There was so much pain, so he just  _shut off_ his mind for a while, letting himself retreat into the numb space in his brain. 

It hurt less that way, the torture. He didn’t have to be completely conscious for it; but the dreams he could never escape. They were too much, chasing him down and forcing him to relive the worst parts of his past. 

  
  


So those few times of completely conscious thought, as much as Hide hated them, he loved the free feeling that came with them—he could imagine anything he wanted, he could pretend he was back at his apartment with Kaneki or at Kamii, his imagination was wonderful when he could think properly—but, what came with the good was always the bad. With his conscious thought came the pain, stinging worse than before. He could feel every stare on him, every prick with the needle, and every cut with the knife, every whack, smack, and punch. He felt it all and he  _hated it._

He wondered whether he should surrender to the numbness for good, so he didn’t have to endure this for much longer. Sometimes, he stopped the thought before it could finish. He didn’t want to be weak; but, Hide  _was_ weak, wasn’t he? So, so weak. 

“Ah, you stopped listening, haven’t you?” Totsuke sighed loudly, dramatically, snapping his fingers in front of Hide’s face. He let out a giggle when the blond jumped, only to rip the knife from Hide's leg suddenly, “That won't do—I'll just have to make sure your attention is _fully_ on me next time.”

Totsuke pressed his lips against the clean side of Hide's throat and bit down, just enough to break the skin and taste blood. He took advantage of Hide's surprise to unstrap the binds around his ankles with ease. Hide squirmed in his hold, struggling against the hands gripping at the tops of his thighs—trailing along the cut of the knife—and eyes wide and wet.

Hide cried out, trying to pull his head back from Totsuke but was unable, the back of the chair pressing uncomfortably on the back of his head. His eyes squeezed shut, fear coursing through his veins and heart beating too-quick in his chest.

Totsuke tutted at him, pulling his head back to give Hide a look that had Hide shaking in his seat, the smirk on his face akin to something of the Cheshire cat. His teeth were bright and sharp even in the low light of the cellar, his tongue lolling out. His nails dug into Hide's skin, deliberately putting more pressure on the new stab wound and causing a cry to pass Hide's lips. Totsuke noticed him shaking, the tremble in his limbs and the slight movements of resistance showing on his body, and pursed his lips,  _he hasn't broken yet—at least, not completely. That's gonna have to change._ His smirk returned as soon as it disappeared, taking an even more sinister feel.

“ _Relax,_ ” Totsuke cooed, the roughness of his hands not lessening as he ripped them down Hide's legs, scraping cuts down the skin. Ignoring the cries of protest starting in Hide's throat, his left hand reached up once again, trailing towards his pelvis  _(no no no!)_ .

“N...No..!” Hide tried to pull away, his legs twitching uselessly, only his knees managing to buck up into Totsuke's lower stomach weakly. The scientist looked as if it had no effect on him, and it probably didn't; Hide's body was weak, barely holding up to the average strength of a human, let alone a ghoul. The effort only resulted in the cruel laugh that left Totsuke's throat, his teeth grazing Hide's neck before he bit down into the skin, growling at the scent of sweet blood filling his nostrils. He could barely form words, his throat painfully parched and the fear creating a lump in his throat.

_Why why why don't touch me don't touch me_ \-- so many things Hide wanted to say, just the touch of Totsuke's hands made his skin crawl, made disgust curl in his stomach and an internal discomfort set on his shoulders. He couldn't, he couldn't fight back against a ghoul, against this  _monster_ , all he could do was struggle and cry until his spirit was broken, until he was so dishevelled he couldn't think, until the knife stopped moving and Hide was left to sit in a pool of his own blood. 

He couldn't get away, he'd never get away. Totsuke had orders to break him and break him he will. Hide's eyes filled with fear when Totsuke brandished the knife once again, trying not to cry at the cheshire smirk on his face. He didn't want to die, Hide wanted to live; he still had things to experience, places to go,  _people to find!_ He wasn't done, he needed to find Kaneki, to make sure he was safe,  _why why why_ \--

Hide screamed, loud and agonized, the knife stabbing into his stomach. His vision flashed white, hot pain searing through his solar plexus, the force of the knife terrible to his senses. It was too much,  _it was too much--!_ His vision blurred, blood bubbling up his throat. He sputtered unpleasantly, the blood starting to drip down his chin. Totsuke twisted the knife in his stomach and Hide felt like something ripped.  _It's too much,_ he cried, tears finally falling from his eyes,  _please..._

Totsuke tutted at him again, shaking his head, “Step two is on it's way. Just go to sleep already, Chika-chan.” His voice, although soft, was filled with evident malicious intent.

It unsettled him, how easily his eyes started to slip shut, how easily he succumbed to the pain. He wished he had the strength to keep his eyes open, to spit in Totsuke's face as he did before, but he didn't. All he could do was submit to the voice telling him to give up, to stop resisting. For once, Hide decided to embrace the negative thoughts in his mind, taking them in with welcoming arms so he could feel that comforting numbness once again.

Because when he retreated, when he gave up, he barely felt anything—and Hide knows that's the only reason he's gotten this far. 

 

 

 

* * *

The world seemed foggy around him, like he'd been submerged in water. His ears rang with the same static-like noise of silence, a low yet annoying buzz in his mind—constant, never ending. It was muted, yet the noise was still clear as day, as if mocking him. The silence was deafening, reminding him of all those lonely nights, of his nightmares and fears, of the crippling sense of loneliness that had him teetering on the edge.

He couldn't move, couldn't feel his body. Everything was numb, unfeeling—but wasn't that a good thing? Wasn't that was Hide wanted this whole time? The answer was yes; this was what he wished for, to not feel the pain, to not hear Totsuke's voice telling him over and over and over again that he was worthless, that he was better off dead. 

Yet, this numbness was unsettling. He couldn't feel  _anything,_ not the air around him, not the sting of his cuts, not the throb of his bruises, not the burn of his bite wounds. Nothing at all. It was like he was detached from his body, and the only thing reminding him that,  _yes, Hide you are still alive,_ was the steady thrum of his heart beating in his chest.

It was calmer than usual, not at that steady but erratic thump of a bunny's pulse. It was beating slow enough that Hide didn't feel like his blood was racing through his veins, like race-cars trying to get to the finish line quickest. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, the sound slow and calming.

Hide realized slowly, he hadn't felt this calm in years. He almost forgot what it was like to feel like he was floating, like he was swimming through tight waters, compressing his being comfortably. He didn't know why he felt like this, because for all he knows he could be dead or dying, and this was the last feelings before his eminent death. Or maybe he was so drugged up that it gave him a high, a temporary release—so unlike the type of high he gives himself, whereas they were unnerving and dangerous, this one seemed calming and safe.

It should have alarmed him, but right now, Hide could care less. He felt truly free, not feeling any type of traction to his body or any of the leathery bindings that usually kept him down. He felt like he was floating, and by god was he going to revel in this feeling. 

Who knows when he'll feel like this next?

He knew, somewhere in his intuitive brain, that this  _was_ the calm before the storm. There was something about the silence around him, about the numbness caressing his body, that was suspicious. But Hide pushed the thoughts down, he didn't want this feeling to go away, even if it did, eventually, result in his death.

It was good, he could deal with the almost-silent memories that had started to flash by his eyes, bright against the dark of his eyelids. He could ignore them for now and instead, could focus on the sound of his heart beat, taking comfort in the soft noise in place of the ringing static. It felt good, the cool wave of temperature that washed over him, overtaking his senses.

It was good for a while; until it wasn't.

It hit him like a bullet, piercing him suddenly and tenderly; sort of like the stab wound but somehow not. It was worse, like the sting of the bite wound on his shoulder, but this time it radiated through his whole numb body. The numbness started to face away quickly, leaving no time for Hide to adjust from the soothing calm of the water-like air, to the harsh environment of the world around him. 

His eyes snapped open, and his mouth dropped, taking in deep, frantic breaths. It was as if he hadn't breathed in years, like his lungs had constricted completely and the feeling of suffocation force itself into his chest. It hurt, the air burning as it passed into his lungs. The burn forced him to become aware of everything, of the sore aching in his limbs and his wounds. 

Yet, as he breathed, greedily taking in as much air as he could, he felt the throbbing start to fade, before there was that familiar sense of numbness. Hide was confused, only left with the faint ache of seemingly-healed abrasions. He could smell it, weirdly, the scent of the infection in his shoulder as it started to burn faintly, before slowly, the smell was gone and in it's place the sweet scent of something metallic, an iron-like type of smell.

_What...?_ Hide felt his eyebrows furrow, eyes still squeezed shut. Why was he not feeling anything? Why couldn't he feel the bruises and cuts that he  _knew_ were on his body? He didn't understand, but for some reason, Hide didn't care. All he cared about was that he was numb, glad that he wasn't feeling the same pain he'd been subjected to for almost two months. 

His mind was too far gone to contemplate the strangeness of the situation, uncaring as to why he was now laying down on a cold, metal table, or why he couldn't move or why he could smell the air around him. It was a simple fleeting though, all of those, which he discarded immediately; they were irrelevant, unneeded.

He didn't want to focus on the things that hurt, he wanted the pain to stop and he  _got his wish_ . Hide felt something akin to relief at the prospect;  _maybe he was free?_

But, even in the state he was in, that high feeling which calmed his heart and mind, the voices immediately shattered that small sliver of hope. It came back, that same, pesky voice that haunted him for years; it dragged him from his dazed stupor with callous whispers into his ear, like sinister fingers pulling at the seams of his thoughts.  _“You're not free... You'll never be free,_ ” it whispered into his ear, “ _open your eyes, you pathetic moron, open your eyes and accept your fate.”_

_Stop it,_ he wanted to say, terrified of the implications of those words.  _Leave me alone...!_

“ _Give in.”_

Hide's breathing picked up, a small whimper leaving his throat. He didn't want to wake up, he didn't want to to open his eyes because Hide knew he'd be waking up in the cellar, weak to Totsuke's torment.  _Stop it!_

“ _Give up.”_

_STOP IT!_

“ _You loose, Hideyoshi.”_

His eyes snapped open against his will, gasping for air. It was as if he wanted to scream, the way his jaw unlatched, a silent yell passing through his lips—all bottled-up frustration and fear. Inside his head, the voice cackled, the sound echoing around his skull, never ending, over and over and over  _and over just like the static the ringing and ringing never ending ring ring ring Ring RING RING RING--_

“ _STOP IT!”_

It was Hide's voice that broke the painful silence in the room, a guttural and feral noise, reaching from the depths of his diaphragm. It resonated off the walls, sounding as though he was being burned alive, the skin melting off his bones from the fiery depths of hell. 

Maybe that's where he was, hell. His skin was burning, he  _felt_ like he was on fire. Like someone injected arsenic into his veins just to watch him squirm. The burning centred on his lower back, crawling up his spine and into his shoulder blades. His skin started to split, and Hide could smell his own blood as it started to flow through the open air; something had erupted from the skin on Hide's back, starting from the dip in his back. He had no control, unable to stop the constant stream of sound passing through his lips. 

This pain was the worse he'd felt, worse than everything he'd been put through here; they paled in comparison to the literal burn and stretch and rip of his skin and bones. Hide felt like someone had reached into his spine and pulled, stretching his bones more and more and more. 

The pain was so hot, so searing, that he barely noticed when it faded into something cool, like ice that burned the very core of his bones. His body shot up without warning, against his will, curling in on itself with his torso curved over his legs, arms wrapped protectively around his torso. Something  _did_ protrude from his back, curling into the air above him. It hurt, yet at the same time the pain started to fade as quickly as it came, fading down into a gentle yet firm pull—like another arm.

Just this time, it felt like his arms quadrupled. 

Hide didn't want to look, he didn't want to see the horrors that he  _knew (Kanou's plan, “step two”)_ were a part of the sick experimentation Kanou had spoke about. He  _knew_ something was wrong with him instantly, when the pain finally faded, his mind was quick at work, instinctively trying to get a handle on the situation.

It didn't take long for him to realize; this was Kanou's plan all along. To put Hide through the same type of experience Kaneki went through ( _“If not worse, for stronger results,” Kanou had explained._ ) in order to make him the  _perfect weapon_ . It didn't take a genius to guess why he was here, lying on this cold, metal operation table.

He refused to look up, refused to acknowledge the four sharp, tentacle-like appendages protruding from his back. Hide rocked in his seat, his hands gripping his loose hair tightly as his eyes widened in crazed horror. He could feel the twist in his insides at the stench of his own blood, he could  _feel the hunger_ pulling at his stomach. 

He couldn't believe this; the rocking continued quicker, Hide's breathing starting to become quick once again.  _Why did this happen? Why did you do this? Why why why why why? Its all my fault, its because of me, I'm a monster I'm terrible, please stop...! Why why why?_ Hide's breath caught in his throat once again, and he choked on his own spit,  _“I'm sorry Kaneki I'm sorry I'm sorry its my fault Kaneki I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”_ Words passed his lips like a mantra, crazed whispers quickly shooting out into the air.

The tentacles at his back( _the_ kagune _, the voice in his head muttered)_ twitched violently in the air, curling around him like a protective cocoon. Their texture was leathery but warm, smooth, and Hide  _hated it._ He wanted them gone, away from his sight, but the refused to listen, curling around him tighter—almost painfully.

His wails started to increase in volume, as the heaviness of the situation fully came to mind; he wasn't  _human_ anymore, he was a  _monster_ just like Totsuke, just like the man who ruined the life of his best friend. But Hide was already a monster, wasn't he? He'd lived his life hiding his true feelings behind a mask of a smile, spent his life harbouring inane thoughts of anger, bottled up and stashed away for those days where he could shove pills down his throat and drown his sadness in alcohol. He was a  _monster_ , a selfish, life-ruining monster. 

Now he wasn't even human; and it was no one's fault but his own. 

So he cried, he screamed lowly and groaned and let out everything he'd kept bottled up for years and years on end. The room seemed to shake under the force of his voice ( _“You're starting to hallucinate,” the voice giggled)_ , but he could barely feel the dense cold through the tightly wrapped kagune coiled around his body. It was as if it was shielding him from the world, forcing him into his own bubble of madness, unable to do anything but stir his own bowl of insanity.

His mask used to be perfect, not a scratch in sight. Until that scratch became a fracture, and that fracture became a crack. That crack extended more and more, and slowly, all too slowly yet all too quickly, he was breaking. That crack turned into more cracks until all he was left with was a shattered soul, a shaken mind, and a torn heart. 

He broke; he shattered into millions of pieces.

His screams and wails and whispers were the only things heard that night, loud against the deafening silence of the smaller room. His rocking increased, turning violent within a moments notice, physically moving the sturdy table with it. 

His whispers, his voice, cracked against the wails, against the disuse of his voice for so long, but his words were a clear, insane scrabble of apologies. Broken Japanese passed his lips, and Hide was completely unaware of the hair being pulled out of his head from the force of his fingers. 

“ _Kaneki I'm sorry, mom, dad, it's my fault I'm sorry I'm so so sorry please forgive me please PLEASE, stop please make it stop make it STOP PLEASE, Kaneki I'm sorry, please!”_

As he slowly descended into the madness of his own mind, of the deadly thoughts swirling around in his head and the voice manipulating him, the man standing behind the door smirked. His plan was working, step two was complete, all he needed to complete was step three before his subject was ready to be released.

_Complete submission._


	5. Four: 5 months before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyyy let's have some Kaneki POV from the beginning ;))))  
> (I hurt my own feelings writing this. Dammit, i have so much pain lined up for these two)

Kaneki thought nothing of it, at first, the absence of Hide's presence. He'd stayed away, deliberately avoiding him like the plague in hopes of protecting him from the life Kaneki had been forced to live (an action that Kaneki would later regret.  _ Protection?  _ He would scoff at his foolish choices.) Somehow, and he can't push down the feeling of guilt that rose up when he thought about it, he was able to live perfectly fine without Hide. Taking up most of his free time by spending it with the people at Anteiku, Touka and Hinami especially, Hide barely passed by in his thoughts.

_ How selfish,  _ he'd scoffed at himself later in life, every time he thought about the blond. 

How easily it had been to cut Hide off as much as he did, no matter how much the blond tried to find him; Kaneki wouldn't let him. He wouldn't –couldn't-- let hide get mixed up in the world of ghouls. He was only doing this for Hide's protection, Kaneki would constantly tell himself every time he caught a glimpse of a familiar head of bleached-hair,  _ to protect Hide from everything _ .

He had his own selfish reasoning, trying to get rid of his guilt at practically  _ abandoning _ his best friend. But, Hide would get over it, right? Kaneki, more or less, had—Hide would be better off without him, wouldn't he? Hide could be friends with anyone he wanted to, what with his easy going personality and friendly disposition, but Kaneki couldn't; so he treasured the companionship’s he made with everyone associated with Anteiku.

Hide would be fine, wouldn’t he? 

That was Kaneki's thought process for all those months he'd been 'missing', gone from the sights of humans. He convinced himself that Hide was going to be fine, that he'd move on just like Kaneki did, that he'd realize that he was better off without Kaneki Ken to screw up his life any more than he had. He refused to believe anything else, as selfish as it had been, he didn't want to mess up any of the good things that came with being a ghoul.

_ Hide would be fine. _

And so, the blond ray of sunshine rarely passed through Kaneki's thoughts, because Kaneki was convinced that he didn't pass by Hide's—that Hide would have moved on by now, so Kaneki should move on too, right?  _ It was the right thing to do, _ he told himself, late at night when the guilt became too much to hide.

Oh, how he wished he'd figured out how  _ wrong  _ he'd been earlier; maybe he could have prevented this all from happening? 

The thought that Hide  _ wasn't okay _ , that he was hurting just as much as Kaneki, didn't cross his mind until almost 3 months after he'd been “rescued” from Aogiri Tree (he'd tried to pretend that, yes,  _ Hide was fine, Hide was okay _ ). He hadn't seen Hide in so long, too busy dealing with problems in the world of a  _ ghoul _ , too busy trying to protect Anteiku (and Hide, he reminded himself); Hide didn't even  _ cross _ his mind when he was being tortured by Yamori, when he was trying to regain himself by thinking about those he was trying to protect.

He'd thought of Touka, Hinami, Yoshimura,  _ everyone at Anteiku _ \-- but not Hide. No,  _ never Hide _ .  _ Why not Hide,  _ he'd thought after he came to the realization,  _ why hadn't I remembered Hide _ ?

He didn't think about how this had effected  _ Hide _ ; how Kaneki leaving, without a trace or explanation, would have effected Hide (“ _ Rabbits die of loneliness, you know?” Hide would always tell him, with an easy grin that Kaneki couldn't help but think how forced it seemed).  _ He'd just disappeared from the world, from his closest friend,(“ _ You're my bestest friend in the whole wide universe, 'Neki!”) _ without as much as a “goodbye”. He'd left Hide, who Kaneki  _ knows _ couldn't stand being alone, abandoned him abruptly, even after Hide sought him out and looked and  _ looked and looked  _ for him. 

He knew Hide would never leave Kaneki behind, ever, and it only took him happening upon the  _ Missing Person's  _ poster plastered on a passing telephone pole for him to figure it out.

He stared in horror at the picture, at the familiar smiling Student ID photo, at the underlined name under it:  _ Missing: Nagachika Hideyoshi. _ Kaneki hadn't felt that sort of dread in years, since his mother passed away; not until seeing that lonely warning.

_ H...Hide,  _ Kaneki gaped in horror, frozen in his spot on the sidewalk. The night was dark, the light from the streetlamp illuminating Hide's portrait with a sickly sort of glow, as if mocking Kaneki by creating a spotlight around Hide ( _he'd been like the sunshine, always smiling, always bright) _ . He couldn't move, his breathing had been caught in his throat as if his lungs had shut down, unable to gather any type of air at all.

He stood there for awhile, staring wide-eyed at Hide's portrait, his mind trying to fully process the meaning. He couldn't believe, he  _ couldn't believe this. No no no no  _ no.  _ Hide? Not Hide! Never Hide!  _ Kaneki didn't even feel his feet leaving the ground, didn't even register having moved until he was well into the studio and pushing past Tsukiyama's incessant questions, ignoring the rest of his housemates in favour of locking himself in his bedroom, back pressed against the door.

His hands grabbed into his hair, pulling at the relatively new-white strands. His eyes were still wide, pupils still dilated—he could feel himself shake where he stood, his knees buckling under him.  _ Not Hide not Hide n _ _**ev** _ er _**H**_ **ID** _ E--  _ Kaneki's knees gave out on him, his body crashing down onto the ground below him.

His knees banged against the floor, body curling in on itself as he rocked back and forth, his grip becoming tighter in his hair.  _ N _ _**ot** _ _ Hide  _ _**not** _ _ Hi _ de _ not  _ _**H** _ _ i _ _**d** _ _ e N _ **O** _ T _ **HI** _ DE,  _ he felt like screaming, breaking something.  _ N _ _**o** _ _ t  _ _**Hi** _ de _**not** _ _ H _ **IS** _ Hide h _ _**o** _ _ w  _ **dare** _**t** _ _ he _ _**y** _ T **O** _**UC** _ H H _ i _ _**s H** _ **I** DE _ \-- _

But he wasn't Kaneki's Hide, was he? After months of abandoning, Kaneki didn't deserve to lay claim on his best friend; he didn't even deserve to be called Hide's  _ “best friend” _ anymore.

He didn't care, then, how undeserving Kaneki was of Hide. All that was on his mind was  _ Hide (hurt Hide, crying Hide,  _ dead _ Hide, how dare they ho _ _**w D** _ _ A _ **Re** T _**HE** _ _ Y T _ _**o** _ **U** _ C _ H _ M _ _**Y HI** _ D _ E—),  _ a primal sort of growl ripping from his throat.  _ Hide Hide Hide HIDE HIDE,  _ all that ran through his mind was Hide. After so many months of his absence ( _“_ _ **You forgot him Kaneki~!** _ _ ” the voice in his head giggled cruelly,) _ Kaneki started to  _ yearn _ for  _ his  _ Hide,  _ his _ precious person. He started to regret  _ everything, regret leaving Hide by himself vulnerable alone al _ _**on** _ _ e  _ **A** _ L _ _**oN** _ _ E A _ _**L** _ _ O _ **NE** _ I'm s _ _**Or** _ _ ry Hi _ _**d** _ _ e  _ _**it** _ _ 's m _ **y fa** _ ult it _ _**'s m** _ _ y f _ a **U** _**lt** _ _! _

He didn't even notice when he started to sob, when the wails ripped themselves from his chest and into the air, the tears falling down his face freely and onto the ground. Everything was silent save for the cries radiating in the air, and the frantic knocks at his bedroom door.

“ _Onii-chan! Onii-chan open the door please!”_ He faintly heard Hinami yell through the door, frantic and worried, but he didn't care.

_ Hide was  _ g **o** ne _ H _ _**id** _ _ e is  _ **mi** s **s** iNg **Hi** _ de pl _ _**eas** _ _ e d _ _**on** _ 't l _ e _ _**av** _ _ e me I' _ _**m** _ **sO** _ rrY fo _ _**r h** _ _ u _ _**r** _ _ tin _ g _ y _ _**o** _ _ u p _ _**le** _ _ a _ s _ e  _ _**com** _ _ e b _ _**a** _ _ c _ _**k** _ _ P _ _**L** _ _ EA _ SE _ P _ _**L** _ _ EA _ _**SE** _ _ HI _ D _ E Hide I'm so _ _**rr** _ _ y d _ on' _**t lea** _ _ ve mE It's  _ _**m** _ _ y _ f _ ault yo _ _**u** _ **'** re _ g _ **o** _ ne _ **yo** _ u're h _ _ u _ _ rti _ _**ng, H** _ _ id _ e Hi _ de  _ **Hi** _ de-- _

Kaneki didn't realize he'd started to groan Hide's name among his cries, and the knocking seized, the sharp gasp of Hinami's voice speaking through the door,  _ “Kaneki-onii-chan, it's okay, he's okay--”  _ But he  _ wasn't and it was all. Kaneki's. Fault. _

“ _Hide, Hide I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry,”_ Kaneki groaned with his face pressed into the floor, rocking violently back and forth, his nails digging into his scalp painfully. 

He's not okay, it'll _ never _ be okay, never  _ never n _ _**ev** _ _ er  _ _**Hid** _ _ e I _ 'm s _ o  _ _**so** _ _ rry. _

Kaneki cried, he wailed and weeped and sobbed, repeating Hide's name like a prayer. He wanted Hide in his arms, he wanted Hide back and safe  _ and his_; why  _ wasn't Hide  _ his?!  **“** _ **Because you left him behind, Kaneki, you left him behind to play with your “friends”. How selfish, abandoning the one person who didn't think of you as a** _ **monster,** _ **”** _ the voice cooed in his ear threateningly, teasing him with mocking laughter.  _**“You** _ **killed** _**Hide, you killed our precious person, it's your fault it's your fa ul t!** _ ”

Kaneki barely heard the scream rip from his throat before the door to his bedroom was forced open, slamming against the wall from the force. He sat hunched over his knees, his kagune ripping from his back and thrashing violently around the room, his voice loud ( _painful, yearning). _

“ _Kaneki-san--!”_ A pair of strong, firm arms wrapped around his shoulders, uncaring of the violent kagune that could easily  _ rip you  _ _**a p a r t--** _ “Kaneki-san, please, calm down!”

Kaneki's body was forced back up, his kagune dissipating in the air when his back was pressed against a chest, the steady-but-fast beat of a heart thumping beside his spine. His mouth dropped open, one last long wail leaving his throat before his arms fell from his head, dropping at his sides uselessly.

The arms were tight around him, a steel grip that  _ wouldn't let go _ . They stayed like that, Kaneki's back pressed up against a firm chest, comforting words being called into his ear; and before long, Kaneki's cries softened into small hiccups, the brief lapse of sanity only a memory. 

“Kaneki-san,” Banjou whispered near his ear, voice shaking, “A...are you alright now...?”

He didn't answer immediately, his breath hitching momentarily as he tried to catch his breath, regain his last shred of sanity.  _ He'd been doing  _ so  _ well, why WHY-- “_I... I'm fine, B-Banjou-san,” Kaneki breathed, regret lacing his voice, “I'm... I'm sorry, Banjou-san, Hinami-chan... I didn't mean to...”

“It's okay, Onii-chan,” Hinami appeared, crouched in front of him. She placed her hands on Kaneki's cheeks, forcing him to stare into her tearful eyes ( _ He caused that look to be there, he did  _ _**he** _ **did** _ ,  _ “Onii-chan,” she called softly, “It's going to be okay, it's not your fault. I don't know what happened but, Hide-san... Hide-san means a lot to you, so it's okay to be sad him. I'm sure it'll be okay.”

The tears still fell silently and Kaneki brought his hands up to cover Hinami's. He  _ wished _ so badly to be able believe her words,  _ It'll be okay _ , but he knows it won't.  _ Hide was  _ gone _ , and it's all Kaneki's fault.  _ But he said nothing, looking into Hinami's worried gaze and letting himself be comforted by Banjou and her. He was afraid that if they let go, if he just started to tell them what was going on in his head, he would  _ break _ .

He was afraid they would leave him alone, just like Hide did--

“ _ **But Hide didn't leave you, Kaneki, it was the other way around.** _ ”

\--so he let them hold him, let them support him for once.

He needed all the strength he could muster to be able to find Hide ( _save Hide, protect Hide, _ _**c**_ _l_ _ **ai**_ m H _ **id**_ _e). _ He needed to buck up, train, get  _ stronger (to protect, to help) _ so he could protect the ones he loves (and so he could fine Hide,  _ safe and sound_,) so he wouldn't be a burden anymore.

He needed to become  _ unbreakable_.

Kaneki wasn't the same person he was almost three months ago, before he was forcibly stolen from his friends ( _his family) _ at Anteiku. The old Kaneki (who was so  _ soft, so sheltered, so breakable) _ was dead, murdered in cold blood by none other than Yamori, after enduring so much  _ torture— _ mental, physical, and  _ other—  _ that it  _ killed _ him, leaving him in the shell of another body with stark white hair and black nails, a shell of the person who used to be.

He wasn't the old Kaneki Ken, who wouldn't have been able to find any resolve to live, who wouldn't have been able to fight back. No, that Kaneki was gone, and with him left his original hair colour. The whiteness of his hair mocked him, taunting him because of how  _ dead _ it made him look; just like his broken spirit. 

No, he was a revised version of Kaneki Ken; stronger, faster. He could find his resolve once again, mend his broken spirit into something  _ better _ . He could  _ protect _ the lives of everybody now; Touka, Yoshimura, Hinami, Banjou, Anteiku...  _ Hide. _

Yes. He will protect Hide with everything in his power, bring him back _ safe and sound _ even if it kills him in the end. Kaneki will find him and  _ save  _ him, and so help him god, Kaneki will make Hide able to feel safe once again. He won't leave him alone for the second time. (He  _ will _ bring back Hide from wherever he'd gone, Kaneki vowed.)

He won't let the sun burn out.

(He won't let Hide's smile burn out.)

He'll bring it back to shine over everyone again.

(The smile that kept Kaneki going, he  _ refuses _ to let it fade.)

Even if it killed him, Kaneki was going to save  _ his  _ Hide.

( _**“Selfish Kaneki, so selfish!** _ ”)

He was going to have  _ his Hide _ back in his arms once again, and this time, Kaneki will never let him go.

(“ _**s e l f i s h.** _ ”)


	6. Five: 4 months before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> personally, possessive!kaneki is one of my favrouite kanekis  
> also, im so sorry i keep putting my children through pain but i swear its for a good cause (not really)  
> ((also i feel like this story is literally everywhere, ya know? ugh i confuse myself.)

 

“One more time,” Kaneki panted, a determined and stubborn expression etched onto his face. “Come on.”

“Mon Dieu, Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama sighed at him, staring at the half-ghoul with unreadable eyes, “you're going to work yourself to death, mon ami.”

Kaneki narrowed his eyes, wiping the sweat off his forehead roughly.  _ Work myself to death?  _ He scoffed internally, Kaneki wasn't allowed to die yet, not before he— “I  _ need _ to get stronger.”

“But, Kaneki-kun--”

“If you won't help me, I'll find someone else who can.” Kaneki moved to turn away, ready to leave the large, open room, when something shot out in front of him.

Tsukiyama's arm extended, his body propelling between Kaneki and the door. His kagune, a koukaku type, was drawn-out past his hand, drilled into the ground. Tsukiyama's purple fringe covered his eyes, but Kaneki could tell his expression was tense, “No... Kaneki-kun mustn’t train with anyone else... I'll do it.”

Kaneki raised his eyebrow with a huff of breath, his glare softening. “Alright,” he stepped away from the door, moving towards the centre of the room, “Come at me.”

Tsukiyama didn't waste any time, shooting towards Kaneki with his arm swinging purposefully. The white haired ghoul sidestepped him, his body turning gracefully on his heels and his own kagune, rinkaku, busting from his spine. It hovered in the air, letting Kaneki get the feel of releasing them once again, before crashing towards Tsukiyama's kouhaku. Easily, the purple haired ghoul jumped away, hurling his arm behind him to escape Kaneki's kagune. 

His eyes were narrowed, taking in Kaneki's tense form as they sparred. His Kaneki had been rather tense ever since he'd returned home, a month ago, and had a brief lapse of person. He had pushed right past Tsukiyama, bolting into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him. He watched little Hinami try to get into the room, only for Kaneki's screaming to start. To say it caught him off guard was an understatement; watching Banjou kick open Kaneki's door forcefully and try to calm him down.

There were a few holes in the walls (that were soon patched up, but there nonetheless,) to prove it, otherwise no one would have realized it happened. But Tsukiyama did know, he couldn't forget the look of utter  _ anguish _ etched on his precious  _ Kaneki-kun's  _ face, salty tears running down that delicious skin.  _ “Hide, Hide, Hide _ ,” that was the only thing he'd heard Kaneki speak in the tone he used, so much  _ longing  _ and  _ terror _ evident in his voice.

Tsukiyama never realized how much Nagachika Hideyoshi meant to Kaneki, until that night. At first, he'd thought the blond to be Kaneki's superficial friend, there but not  _ there _ , because Kaneki seemed to have cut him off  _ like that _ , so Tsukiyama had no reason to think he'd actually meant something.

But he  _ does, _ and Tsukiyama doesn't like it. Someone was causing his Kaneki-kun to exude so many negative emotions, to many tears—oh no, that wouldn't do. A  _ meal _ isn't good unless it's fresh, and Kaneki would surely work himself up to death before Tsukiyama could get to him, if the situation at hand continues the way it does.

So he decided to  _ humour _ himself, assisting Kaneki in his search, in his training (and if he's admiring the way the sweat is delectably rolling down Kaneki's body, and the way his  _ scent _ seemed much more appetizing than before, Tsukiyama won't admit.)

Tsukiyama twisted his body around suddenly, catching Kaneki off guard and sending him down towards the ground. His koukaku embedded into the floor beside Kaneki's head, just barely skimming his ear as a small, barely visible, droplet of blood falling from the small cut on Kaneki's ear—Tsukiyama had to hold himself back from drooling ( _ delicious. _ ) He kneeled over Kaneki's fallen body, his face uncomfortably close. 

“You're too distracted, Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama whispered into his ear, taking a deep breath afterwards. 

Kaneki scowled, pushing Tsukiyama off of him in one swift move. He felt frustration building up in his mind. How was he supposed to  _ protect _ everyone if he couldn't even defeat  _ Tsukiyama _ ? He felt anger coarse through his veins. His fists clenching.  _ How was he supposed to find Hide when he was so  _ weak?  _ How how how?  _ His hands found their way into his hair once again, gripping the white strands between his fingers and lightly tugging at them.

_ How how how? _

Kaneki gritted his teeth, starting to pace with anxiety. _How is he going to do it? What if he's_ dead _alre_ ady-- _no no no NO,_ his breath started to hitch, fists curling tighter into his hair. _No he can't be dead no no **no**_ \--   


"Kaneki-kun!" Tsukiyama yelled suddenly, and Kaneki found his body once again pinned to the ground. Tsukiyama's hands found their way to Kaneki's wrists, forcing his own hands to leave his head. There was a frantic look in his eyes, which were locked onto Kaneki's face, unwavering. 

His eyes widened, a horrified look springing onto his face, "Oh my... Tsukiyama I'm sorry," Kaneki couldn't tear his eyes away from the blood dripping down Tsukiyama's nose; he'd hit him during  his little "freak out".

"Non, non," Tsukiyama sighed, his hands not loosening around Kaneki's wrists. It looked as if he was having a debate with himself, as he straddled over the half-ghoul's body; he might've been looking into Kaneki's eyes, but he wasn't looking _at_ Kaneki. Tsukiyama stayed like that, perched over him with an iron-tight grip on his wrists, for quite a bit before he finally released Kaneki, practically propelling himself away from him. 

He was biting his lip, staring at Kaneki with troubled eyes, "I'm sorry, Kaneki-kun, we should stop for the night. You look stressed, some sleep would help, oui?"

Kaneki didn't get a chance to answer before Tsukiyama was out of the room, door open behind him. Kaneki's jaw clenched, staring at the door with narrowed eyes. The look in Tsukiyama's eyes wasn't _just_ hunger (Kaneki didn't deny that he _knew_ Tsukiyama was only doing this so he could devour him when they were done,) there was _fear_ in there too. He was staring at _Kaneki_ in _fear_? Had he really changed that much? Was Tsukiyama finally realizing how much of a _monster_ Kaneki really was?

His eyes started to moisten, his kakugan reverting back into a wide, grey iris. _I'm... I'm a monster,_ he sighed shakily, lowering  himself to the ground slowly. His heart was beating loud in his chest, he took a bunch of deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Kaneki wanted to cry, wanted to scream because he's _a monster just like Yamori was he's going to turn out just like Kanou wanted just like everyone thought--_

_" **Not** **Hide** ," t_he familiar voice that haunted his thoughts (himself, perhaps,) mentioned, " ** _Hide never thought of us as monsters. He loved Kaneki, he did. You know, deep down, that Hide would come running if we_** _ **called**._ "  


" _ **Hide is ours,** **Kaneki**._ "

The very mention of Hide brought conflicting emotions upon him. On one hand, just the thought of Hide made Kaneki want to smile; his bleached blond hair _(softer than it looks_ ), his warm brown eyes ( _sparkling, beautiful)_ , his skin ( _delicate, smooth, how easily it would be marked up if Kaneki ran his teeth over it),_ his smile ( _so radiant_ ). _E_ verything about Hide _,_ from the way he spoke to the way he walked, Kaneki _loved_. On the other hand... Hide was still _nowhere to be found_. Kaneki hadn't found a trace of him, a scent, a clue, nothing. He worried for Hide, he felt guilt so great; he _needed_ Hide to be okay, he still had so much to say to him.

_ I'm sorry _ Hide, he wanted to say. he wanted to gather him into his arms (" _ **claim** **him, Kaneki"**_ ), shield him away from all the things that could possibly hurt him (" _ **claim him as your**_ **own"** ). He wanted to protect Hide the same way Hide protected him. To tell him all the things Kaneki never got to, to apologize, to thank him for everything he's done.  _Hide deserves the world,_ Kaneki thinks, staring down at his open palm,  _and I'll make sure he gets it._

His open hand clenches shut, black nails digging into his palm; his eyes, steel grey, harden with resolve. He knows what he's going to do, and more than ever, he _will_  find Hide.   


 

* * *

 

The world was dark around him, his lone, red eye roaming around the area around him; alert and aware. The air around him was cold, fresh. The moon was high in the sky above him, the sky free of any clouds; clear. His body was tense from where it was perched on the top of the roof of his building, hands gripping the edge of the ledge to keep his balance. His eyes skittered around every inch of the area, searching, searching, and searching for any movement, any abnormalities. He did this often, Kaneki noticed, watched out for the people in his building like a paranoid kid.  


Though, wasn't that was he was: a paranoid kid? 

Kaneki was positive that his paranoia was justified, either way. He'd had so many people ripped out from under him, so many people put into danger because of him--he couldn't help but worry whether or not his remaining family will be taken away from him too.

Kaneki doesn't want to be left alone; he wouldn't survive. He was afraid, but he refused to admit it. Kaneki refused to become what he used to be; he wasn't weak anymore, he wasn't the same lonely boy he was before. He was strong, hardhearted--he wasn't going to let his weaknesses be used against him anymore. He _changed_ , but it was for the best, was it not? Even if Kaneki wanted to go back (and he does, _he wants to go back and prevent everything that happened he wants to not know what 1000 minus 7_ was,) he wouldn't.

He wasn't going to be weak anymore; he had people to protect. There was no time to mess around.

His gaze was still focused on the area around him, a clear birds-eye-view from the top of the tall building. There weren't many people--if any--around (it _was_ 2 am, to be fait), but Kaneki still kept watch. _You can never be to careful,_ Hide had told him once, when they were 13 and sitting on top of the playground dome.

_ Hide...  _ Kaneki still hadn't found Hide. Ever since that fight with Tsukiyama, Kaneki had been searching more and more, but there was no luck. It was as if Hide just... vanished. He'd even been to Hide's apartment the night before, going through the window he  _knew_ Hide always kept unlocked, open to let the air into his stuffy apartment. 

It had looked somewhat the same as the last time Kaneki had been there, before he became a ghoul. Except, this time it was messier, items and clothing strewn about carelessly. There were papers laid out on his coffee table, on the desk in his bedroom, all organized carefully but places carelessly, like he's been looking through them frantically. There were newspaper articles pinned onto his walls, pictures and notes and maps taking up most of the space on his bedroom wall (it had been the first time Kaneki had _seen_ Hide's bedroom)--Kaneki noticed, with wide eyes, that they were all about _ghouls_ and _Kaneki_ and _missing p_ ersons _, detailed_ notes and information about the CCG and some of it's members (as if Hide had met them _personally_ ,).

HHe remembered everything clearly; he remembered the horrified feeling he'd felt wash over him after he found Hide's _stash_. Pill bottles -empty and half empty alike-, empty bottles of alcohol and a few packages of discarded cigarettes littered the corner of Hide's bedroom, more bottles in his bathroom and unopened whiskey hidden away in one of his kitched cupboards. Kaneki felt his eyes water up at the sight, the smell of toxins and alcohol and smoketaking over the smell of Hide.

_ Had Hide been living like this the whole time?  _ Kaneki thought, looking around the room with a feeling of dread. _Or was this new?_ Either way, Kaneki knew he wouldn't like the answer. He knew one thing: Hide had been suffering, and by the number of empty, discarded pill bottles, Kaneki figured he'd been dealing with his sadness dangerously, drinking and smoking and taking these pills.

He'd never seen Hide take a sip of alcohol in his life; the blond would always tell him he never liked the taste. Same with cigarettes, Kaneki _knew_ Hide hated the smell of cigarette smoke, he always cringed when he noticed someone smoking near him. And the _pills..._ Kaneki didn't _exactly_ know what they were, but he knew when they were perscribed to someone. His mother had been taking the same ones, back when he was still a child--they were _pills given to someone with depression, in order to help them get through their day,_ was what she told him.

_ Had Hide really been that sad without Kaneki noticing it?  _ He remembered picking up one of the bottles on the ground, tucked into the darkness of his closet, the date on the label reading to around two years before. _Yes. Yes he had._ Kaneki dropped the bottle on the ground, and finally, _finally_ , the tears fell from his eyes. His _best friend_ had been taking this medicating, _abusing it_ , for years, and he hadn't even noticed.  


All the more reason why Kaneki didn't deserve someone like Hide. If he can't even pick up on his sadness, no matter whether or not he tried to hide it, while Hide could easily pick out on his, then Kaneki definitely didn't deserv the title of _best friend._ He couldn't understand how Hide was able to refer to someone like him as his " _bestest friend in the whole universe_ ", Kaneki didn't see Hide's pain, didn't notice him when he needed it most. 

_ How was Hide able to keep that smile on his face?  _ With questions shooting through his head like bullets, he left Hide's apartment as quick as he could. He couldnt' stay there any longer, couldn't be in that dark atmosphere of Hide's small apartment without breaking down. He barely made it out of the apartment before the regret forced him to stop, his tears slowly starting to become sobs. He'd pushed himself into a nearby alleyway as to not be seen, trying his best to control his cries.   


_ I'm sorry Hide, _ he'd thought, _I'm sorry I never noticed you were hurting so bad._

He calmed down after a while, feeling completely drained. kaneki barely made it back to the studio before he collapsed onto his bed with exhaustion. He didn't fall asleep right away, no, his mind wandered to thoughts about his life, his friends, his _Hide._ He fell asleep to the happy memories of his past, only to be sent into a dream-scape full of nightmares.

He hadn't gotten out of bed that day, too exhausted, too low to muster up the energy to move. Kaneki didn't think he could face anyone that day, so he stayed holed up in his room, wallowing in a haze of his own depression. Everything was dark  _ (“ _ _**without** _ **him** ”) around Kaneki, the blanket wrapped around him the only things providing him warmth, the only thing keeping him together.

( _**“You're a mess without him Ken, a mess!** _ ”) 

He buried his face into the mattress, trying to force himself to sleep. 

( _**“He suffered so much, Ken, he was suffering alone so where were** _ **you** _**?** _ _”)_

His rest was fitful, but at least he had no nightmares he could remember. And that led him to now, perched on the roof cautiously. Paranoia was creeping up his spine, the bags under his eyes evidence of the strain the current turn of events were causing him. He knew he was worrying Hinami and Banjou with his behaviour, but Kaneki couldn't give up. Not now. He couldn't just sit back while his best friend was missing; who knows what was happening to Hide. For all Kaneki knew, Hide could be going through the same thing he had—that thought scares him the most, because he could still remember the  _ pliers _ , the crawl of the  _ centipede _ , and the texture of _ his _ hands. Kaneki was a ghoul, then, he could regenerate and survive (even if it was slow,  _ so, so slow _ ), while Hide was not. 

If Hide were to be hurt like that, surely he wouldn't survive. 

Kaneki doesn't want to think of a world without Hide in it to brighten the dark days, he _ can't _ imagine a world without Hide's radiant smile, without his amber-brown eyes shining with laughter. He  _ couldn't _ , he  _ wouldn't.  _ Hide has been a constant in his life since childhood, always there, always taking care of him; and it was just recently that Kaneki realized it. (

_**“You never know what you have until it's gone, Ken** _ ”) 

Hide was  _ gone _ and it had all been Kaneki's fault( _**“Your fault, your fault, your f a u l t~!** _ ”), if only he'd been there, if only Kaneki had been  _ watching over him and protecting him just like you said you would _ \-- 

Kaneki let out a grunt, stumbling on the edge of the building. By now, his eyes had were not focused, were not looking around in the same paranoid stupor as before. No, they were clouded, his mind far-gone from his body. It's happening again,  _ it's happening  _ _**again** _ _.  _ His hands found their way into his hair once again, grabbing, pulling,  _ I'm sorry Hide please forgive me!  _

_ (“ _ _**He wont forgive you, Kaneki, you** _ **killed** _**him~!** _ ”)

_ Stop it stop it STOP IT!  _

_ (“ **You could have saved him, Ken. If you did, he'd be happy with us, safe.** _ ”)

“I know, I _ know, I know!”  _ Kaneki's voice was a harsh whisper in the night, his body swaying dangerously on the ledge, his foot momentarily slipping off, “ _ Stop it!”  _

_ (“ **Come on, Kaneki, just** _ **jump** _ **. Get it over with, he's dead anyway, there's nothing for you now!** _ ”)

“ _ No, no no! _ ” 

(“ _ **Stay alive, Ken. FIND HIM! Find him alive and destroy** _ **them** _ **!** _ ”)

“STOP IT!” He raised his voice, covering his ears tightly as if he could stop the voices (giggles and chuckles vibrating in his head, bouncing, mocking,) “Leave me alone!”

He flung himself off the ledge, his body turning from the sudden loss of ground. He fell against the top of the roof, his back making hard contact with the concrete and knocking the wind out of him. His breathing was ragged, heart pounding in his chest; Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears to go away. He couldn't cry, not now, not ever. He couldn't cry,  _ crying was weakness, not allowed to be  **weak** _ .

“I'm alive, I'm  _ alive _ . I  _ need to  _ live, I need to protect  _ everyone,  _ I _ can't _ die—not yet, not ever!” He kept muttering under his breath, his eyes still closed, afraid that if he opened his eyes he'd see the two haunting illusions that have haunted his mind since  _ Yamori.  _

The voices stopped, their loud yells falling into gentle, non-existent static in his brain. He could do this,  _ he can do this _ . Kaneki was  _ strong _ , he had people to be  _ strong for, he couldn't give up, not now, not ever.  _ For their sakes, for their lives; Anteiku, Hinami, Banjou, Hide, Nishio, Touka, even Tsukiyama. He had  _ people to live for _ , and Kaneki refused to let Yamori's influence ( _ Don't touch me, don't touch me! _ ) ruin him. 

He was stronger than that. He was  _ Kaneki Ken,  _ the one-eyed ghoul.

_ (“ **Good boy, Ken, e m b r a c e the power...** _ ”)

He could do this, he could live. He needed to make sure everyone was safe before he could even  _ think _ about dying. He can't abandon them for his own selfishness. He needed to  _ live _ so he could  _ protect _ . Kaneki didn't care, anymore, how much he got hurt in the process—as long as they weren't.

_ **(“It's better to be hurt, then to hurt others.** _ ”)

 

 


End file.
